the sometimes excessive musings of a seeking soul

our greatest fear

2011-10-17T15:22:00.001-05:00

I wanted to briefly share with you these words that my good friend Dwayne shared with me today, when I needed them badly. Perhaps you need them too. May God bless you with them.

Our Greatest Fear — Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,

talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of

God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Our presence automatically liberates others.

theology of eating

2011-04-21T22:43:00.004-05:00

This week for my New Testament ethics class, we've looked at the ethics of eating and food. Kind of frightening to learn more about the food industry—what we're actually eating and how it's gotten to us. It's already making a difference in how I'm eating, or at least in how I'm thinking about eating. For example, our house is hosting Easter lunch this Sunday, and I'd been considered ideas for a main meat dish. Unluckily (or luckily?) for our guests, however, my assignments have had me reading about the ethics of food and watching Food, Inc., and... well, let's just say after that I'm thinking more along the lines of a vegetarian meal.

Below you'll find posted the text of my very brief theology of eating paper that I turned in today, but before we get to that I wanted to share a couple of resources with you that you might find enjoyable and helpful. I'd absolutely recommend Food, Inc. (nominated for an Academy Award for best documentary) and Michael Pollan's book In Defense of Food. Additionally, you should check out the Better World Shopper website, book, and iPhone app.

Here's the paper. I'm wondering, what would you see as the most important change you could make to your eating to make it more ethical?

(Photo from the Oklahoma Farm Report website.)

A Christian theology of eating and food will take into account at least three fundamental issues: that we eat, what we eat, and how we eat. I will here focus on our eating as a practice that illustrates all our relationships. Eating exposes our identity as humans in comparison to God, depicts our bonds to the rest of creation, and allows for the formation of individuals in relationship to one another in community.

The indispensible practice of eating says much about the identity of humans, who are created in the image of God but are not themselves God (Gen 1:26-27). Taking for granted the necessity of everyday functions like eating ignores the possibility that God could have created us to be more efficient and self-sufficient—not needing to breathe, eat, or sleep—but chose not to. Instead, God created inherently limited beings who were intended to recognize their finitude and rely on God to meet their needs. Even in determining that we would eat, God made it irrefutably clear who is God and who is not.

In addition to delineating our relationship with God, eating—particularly what we eat—both establishes and depicts our relationship to the non-human creation. Eating is a way of manipulating and controlling the world for our benefit, and how we do so exhibits how we conceive of our relationship to the world. Is the dominion over the earth imparted by God (Gen 1:29-30) a right to be exploited or a privilege to be handled carefully? Was God’s concession that humans could eat meat (Gen 9:1-3) a natural progression to be celebrated or a result of the fall to be mourned? A number of conclusions to these questions are theologically defensible, but common to their viability is a profound respect for God’s creation and our place within it.

Finally, how we eat is significant, for it demonstrates how we are formed (or malformed) as individuals and as communities. Meals are meant to be times of fellowship and community building (for example, the many feasts throughout Scripture, including the Lord’s Supper), in which the people of God proclaim their kinship to one another through Christ. How we eat—alone or together, with intention or haphazardly, lavishly or moderately—demonstrates who we are in relation to a world of hungry, aimless, and lonely people (1 Cor 11:20-22, James 2:15-16). To build upon the adage, perhaps we are how we eat just as much as or more than what we eat.

With all this in mind, I believe the most important change I can make to my own eating (and hopefully therefore influencing the world around me as well) is to be more knowledgeable about where my food comes from and what process it goes through to reach me. I would like to be more ethically conscientious about my eating, but in order for me to make good choices, they will have to be informed choices. Therefore, since I truly know very little about the foods I am eating and the ethical dilemmas they would pose if only I looked closely enough, I commit to doing more research about the food industry, especially its treatment of animals, adjusting my diet appropriately based upon what I learn.

The St. Ann Community already participates in a community garden and plans to cultivate a portion of a 4-acre plot of land we have access to. We have purchased shares in the Brazos River Farms CSA so that we can receive a greater quantity and variety of foods than we can grow ourselves at the moment without turning to the non-local grocery stores as much. We buy cage-free eggs locally and even hope to have our own chickens and goats in the future.

These steps forward, while important, are only initial steps toward a larger lifestyle change. They improve the sources of our food somewhat, but they do not change our diet drastically. As I continue my research for this class, however, I hope to come to a clearer understanding of what it would mean for us to embrace a healthier relationship with creation through our eating. At the least, I believe my findings will lead me to buying ethically- and locally-raised meat and to eat and serve less of it than I do now. Throughout the process, rather than framing my conclusions negatively, in terms of what I am giving up, I would like to speak them positively and in a life-giving way, in terms of a healthier lifestyle and relationships.

the Voice and the Vision

2011-04-13T22:50:00.006-05:00

I've been working on this poem throughout the day today, and while it's probably not done, it seemed done enough to share with you all. As you'll see, the first stanza is from a prophet's point of view, while the rest of the poem is the word of God that the prophet has heard and is speaking to the people. Also, this is a relatively obscure reference, but the clause "I am the patron saint of lost causes" comes from the Anberlin song "Dismantle Repair" that I was listening to earlier this morning before all this starting coming together. Gotta give credit where credit is due. And though it's not at all on par with his poetry, when you're reading this, think of the kind of quick rhythm of David Bowden, whose website you should definitely check out. All that aside, whatever the merits of the end product, the process of writing has been incredibly enjoyable.

I am

the patron saint of an almost lost cause

the hopeless prophet…

of hope

hearing the words no one will speak

and speaking the words no one can hear,

words followed…

by tears

THUS SAYS THE LORD:

mercy and justice,

the goodness of God

forsaken, forgotten, untried, and ignored

ignored in your hearts

untried in your lives

you don’t know where to start

and you won’t —

you’re not mine

a law that can’t save you

a law you can’t keep

is the law you embrace

and the “life” that you seek

seek ME and live

yet you’re dying inside

decomposing within

and this death you can’t hide

you’re caught in your sin

disregarding your call

forgetting your God

and the voice of your Lord

plotting and praising

a life of your own

the things God’s abhorred

are the things you’ve adored

what is the point?

and how will you cope?

this “life” you can’t live and this “hope” you can’t hope

this is what you’ve embraced

and it’s who you’ve become

I see you, I ache and

I am

undone

but what you’ve become

is not who you are

so come back to me, please —

please, I implore!

embrace who I AM

and let me provide

I know you can’t see it but

I’m on your side

in a world misaligned, so misled and confused

you’re starving for hope, for guidance, for food

but I am your bread and I am your wine

I give you myself

I give all that is mine

if only you’ll eat and if only you’ll drink

I’ll heal every wound

bring you back from the brink

I give you my hand and I give you my heart

take them and live and

make a new start!

mercy and justice

the goodness of God

consulted, accepted, extended, explored

this is the life that I have for you

live it and love it, and let it be true

27 million most terrifying secrets

2011-03-29T22:56:00.007-05:00

Just an hour ago, I finished watching a documentary entitled "Call + Response." I was thrilled to hear about the screening on ACU's campus since I'm passionate about its cause and have been wanting to see this film for over the past year.

In case you've never heard of Call + Response, you should definitely check out the website or a trailer for the film, but to summarize it far too quickly, it's a film and a movement to end modern-day slavery.

That's right, slavery. You thought that ended 150 years ago, right? When the North won the Civil War? Not so much. That's actually only one very limited (though of course lamentable!) expression of slavery.

Believe it or not, there are actually more slaves today than at any other time in human history. Forced labor, forced prostitution (often of CHILDREN!), debt bondage, child soldiers... The twisted schemes of slave traders are overwhelming. Over 27 million people are enslaved worldwide at this very moment. And 80% of them are women and children. And in 2009, slave traders made more than eight times the UN's entire budget -- yes, 8 times what the United Nations spends!

Find it hard to believe? Check out the US State Department's annual Trafficking in Persons (TIP) Report. You'll be astounded. And disgusted. And grieved.

Or at least I hope you will be.

Because that astonishment, that disgust, that grief... that is the beginning of a change.

(More to come soon...)

praise God from whom all blessings flow

2011-03-21T23:01:00.003-05:00

Well, I must say that it's sad that my first post of 2011 doesn't come until March is nearly over. It's also sad that it's not going to be a long or particularly eloquent one. All sadness aside, however, I just wanted to share quickly a few things that I am thankful for.

It's wonderful to be a part of the most amazing community of roommates and friends here in Abilene that truly make this home. Whether it's an excellent dinner of beans and rice prepared by Rosten, or an evening of communal discernment around an important life moment, or finally finishing the Lord of the Rings movie "marathon" we started a month ago, there's always something to appreciate about this family I'm a part of.

And over the past two days or so, I've been experiencing the wonderful blessing of God-given joy. There's nothing in particular different about what's been going on in my life recently, but I've noticed for the past couple of days that I have more lightness and yet more substantive goodness in my heart and in my attitudes toward life and other people. It can't have come from anywhere but God, and I can't help but say thanks.

Anyway, it's time for me to be off to bed. My prayer for you tonight is that you may also experience the blessing of community and the blessing of the joy of the Spirit of God in your life!

the way of life

2010-12-03T01:10:00.001-06:00

As my last assignment for this semester (besides studying for a Greek test on Tuesday), I was asked to compose a rule of life for my Christian Spiritual Formation class.

A rule of life, if you're not familiar with it, is a guiding set of principles for your life before God. Rules can be written by individuals, but they are also often written for communities of faith. While a rule of life usually does contain challenges as far as who you want to be and what you want to do, it is far from a set of New Year's resolutions. Rather it is a covenant with God in which you pledge yourself to a certain way of life.

Since it's a highly personal kind of thing, the rule and its contents can take any number of forms. As I began contemplating my own rule of life, what came to mind as a focusing concept was a quote from the Didache, which we just covered in Greek recently: "There are two ways, one of life and one of death, but a great difference between the two ways." A rule of life, it seemed to me, should be something which describes and calls me to the way of life. And what better way to focus my life than on what Jesus calls the greatest commands: love God and love your neighbor as yourself. Everything else, Jesus says, hangs on these things.

So, as I began to write this rule of life, I chose to center it on those precepts, looking at a couple of different aspects of life (relationships, stewardship, ministry, etc.) through the lense of what it meant to love God, love my neighbor, and love myself. Though this was written basically in one sitting and could use some time for reflection before it is finalized (if it ever is), I wanted to share with you what I came up with as my rule of life. It's much more theoretical than some other people's are, but that seems to fit me, as I tend more towards focusing on habits of being rather than habits of doing. That may in some ways be a weakness of my rule, but I can also see it as a strength, enabling this rule to serve me for years and years to come because it lays solid foundations that can be further defined as specific situations arise. Anyway, enough talk already. The formatting's off a little (no lines should continue on to another line without being indented), but here it is. I'd love to hear your thoughts!

To this way of life I am consecrated:

to love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

to love my neighbor.

to love myself.

For there is no commandment greater than these.

First established in flourishing relationship

with my creator, redeemer, and sustainer,

with my fellow sojourners in faith

and those who have chosen a different path,

with the unique image of God I carry within,

I give my fully alive self to the community of Father, Son, and Spirit, to the community of faith,

and to those in the world who are without such wholeness.

Centered in attitudes of joyous expectation and love-filled self-emptying,

I magnify my Lord, humbly submit, and hope unceasingly in divine promise.

I reverence the other as an irreplaceable likeness of our multifaceted God.

I dedicate my all to the service of the kingdom and the praise of God’s glorious grace.

Exceedingly blessed, my life is an incarnation of appreciation for all gifts bestowed upon me—

joyously received from my generous God,

graciously extended to others as theirs,

earnestly cultivated as they are entrusted.

Time, money, talent… each provision an offering back to the one who first imparted it.

Though the materialist myth proclaims unlimited resources, I live instead in moderation,

abstaining from crimes of excess so others may forgo crimes of need.

Ardently I nurture God-given favors—empathy, wisdom, intellect, health—

and employ these endowments of heart, soul, mind, and strength.

For justice and mercy I extend myself,

as one who has received unending mercy from the God of justice.

as one who sees the world crying out

for justice in its fallenness

and mercy in its brokenness.

as one called to and graced with the ministry of this inextricable pair—

two sides of the same coin, two expressions of the same love.

To character and virtue I devote myself,

growing always in thought and in deed towards purity of heart before my holy God,

living from this stance of integrity as the presence of God in the world,

salt and light to flavorlessness and darkness,

seeking always the fruit of the Spirit and the audacious balance

of a God-centered life in a perilously self-centered world.

This is the true way of life. This I choose. This I will be.

thankful thursday

2010-10-21T16:38:00.003-05:00

Inspired by my wonderful friend Deanna, I've decided to post a Thankful Thursday post today. Basically, that means that I either don't have much of anything else to write about or that I don't have the time and energy to do so, so I'll be satisfied with giving you a little insight into things I'm thankful for today. Never a bad idea, though, right? So, right now, I'm thankful for:

1) an absolutely gorgeous day outside today here in Abilene

2) amazing roommates who are wonderful to and for me

3) a good conversation with Brad Carter of CCC this afternoon

4) a good time back home with family in preparation for my brother's wedding

5) Nellie being my sister-in-law!

6) getting to spend some time with my nephew, Jakub, who's insanely cute!

7) the photographs I've printed off and hung on my wall

8) lime potato chips -- AMAZING!

9) the MRNA crew and getting to see them later tonight

10) an hour or so last night that I spent reading FOR FUN!

11) slowly developing relationships with some of the people in the College Heights community

12) the OPPORTUNITY to study Greek and pass a test on Tuesday :)

colors of summer

2010-08-17T23:01:00.003-05:00

As summer is winding down and school is about to start, I just wanted to share a few pictures of how beautiful summertime out west can be. Two of the three are from last summer, but I'm still a fan. There are plenty more where these came from, but they're a few of my favorites. Enjoy!

thunderstorm and sunset on the 4th of July in Kansas

Palo Duro Canyon, last summer

Palo Duro Canyon again

a glimpse back

2010-08-15T15:52:00.002-05:00

Today I'm sharing with you a journal entry I came across from sometime during the fall of 2007 or spring of 2008. I praise God that things are no longer this way in my life, but this is an accurate portrayal of what I experienced for a number of years. Those years very much shaped who I am, as I think you will understand better after reading. For that reason, and also so any of you who have also experienced such a time will know that you're not alone, I decided to share this with you. No pity wanted, just understanding and encouragement.

I feel my soul begin to plunge again into the unfathomable depths of despair. It is an abyss I have become quite familiar with -- an enemy more dreaded than any other I have faced, yet at the same time a comfortable friend. None, not even I, can understand the mysteries of the transformation that occurs within me. It's a bad case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, only less predictable. A whirlwind or tornado that appears as if out of nowhere, wreaks havoc on my spirit, and then vanishes back to God knows where, leaving a perhaps troubled yet strangely tranquil sky behind it and nothing but a trail of destruction and disaster in its wake. And I am left to sort through the mess, the ruins of what once was my life, trying to put back the pieces to give some semblance (to the world? to myself?) of normalcy, all the while mourning with bitter tears as I compare the devastation that surrounds me to the peaceful, joyful, and whole life I once led.

This malaise that has taken possession of me -- what is it? Can I give it a name? I have tried, though none seems suitable, or perhaps it's that all of them do -- depression, despair, frustration, hopelessness, exhaustion, confusion, anger, bitterness, emptiness... What is this ghost that haunts me, a specter I can at times avoid and at other times against which I am utterly powerless?

I cannot understand the inner workings of my heart, the processes of my mind. I do not know why I feel like I do or what it is in me that changes, that begins the dreaded metamorphosis. As regular and yet as unpredictable as the weather here in my northwest Arkansas home, my mindset and my heart move from one end of the continuum to the other. Sometimes it happens gradually, building throughout the day until I have inched my way into this diseased way of thinking and feeling, and other times it is as sudden and as painful as a gunshot. Whether it's a word, an action, a circumstance, or a lack of one of those things, my mood swiftly transitions from the typical gray twilight in which I seem to live into total blackness, like the darkness that surrounds you on a night with no moon or stars and not a single light to be seen.

Every word I hear, every thought I think becomes twisted and dangerous. "Are they talking about me?" It's either, " Yes -- they must have awful things to say," or "No -- no one cares enough to give me a first thought, much less a second." If I take a look in the mirror, it's "Yikes! I look horrible today. If you look closely, you can even see the ugliness of my soul in my eyes." Or there's the despairing "I look all right, or maybe even good, but what's the use? No one is ever going to care anyway. Why try?"

Any faint glimmer of hope is immediately snatched away and turned easily into a weapon to further the piercing darkness that surrounds me and envelops me. Why cannot hope abide? Why must it flee so easily? Why must I be left in my aloneness, seeking always for comfort and companionship and finding none that promises to salve the wounds my heart has had inflicted on it?

photo found through Google image search at http://www.paranormalknowledge.com

symphony

2010-07-21T14:45:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I had a song stuck in my head half the evening. I don't know how or why it came to mind, but once it did, it could not be dislodged. I thought perhaps listening to it would satisfy the craving my heart had to hear it, so I pulled up the youtube video, but that did nothing more than capture my attention more fully, enchanting me with the lyrical, poetic theology of the lyrics and the magnificent talent and artistry of the music. I was enthralled. A number of times over the ensuing hours I was drawn back to the song. It fed something ravenous within my soul.

It's a song that, though relatively new, I've sung a number of times to my God. "Your love is a symphony/All around me/Running through me..." My God's love for me fills every moment of my days and nights, surrounding me in beauty as the majesty of a symphony surrounds its listeners. It pierces to the very depth of my being and cannot be forgotten. This is true art, true beauty, true love -- this love is music that changes lives.

As I praised my God in this song, though, I began to catch a glimpse of another truth. What if this song isn't about God's love for me and my appreciation of it? What if it is rather about my love for God, and God's appreciation of it? While there's nothing in the song to explicitly suggest this interpretation, I cannot help but see the beauty in this discovery as well.

God speaks to me and says, "Your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me. Your love is a melody, underneath me, running to me. Oh, your love is a song!" What if -- maybe, just maybe -- God cherishes my love for him in the way I cherish God's love for me. Is it my love -- our love -- that sounds as a symphony in God's ears, filling God's existence with beauty and appreciation? Does God exult in the artistry of love that he sees going on among us? Does God crave the presence of this kind of love just as we do? Can I -- one person alone, and one very messed up person at that -- delight God through my love for him the way a favorite song delights its hearers? The thrill of beauty that leaves me gratefully speechless -- is this the kind of effect I have on God?!

As these thoughts came to mind, I could not help but think also of Tolkein's majestic creation myth, Ainulindalë. When I first read this tale, also called "The Music of the Ainur," about a month ago, I thought it one of the most beautiful pieces of art ever fashioned. In this story, Ilúvatar, the One, created the Ainur (or Holy Ones), who sang before him, "and he was glad." Ilúvatar delighted in the songs of his creatures, their expression of loving existence before their creator. He was glad. And though Tolkein made it clear that he did not mean his tales allegorically, I cannot help but read my faith though their beauty and wisdom. God was glad for the way his creation expressed itself in beauty because of love.

Tolkein's story goes on, "But for a long while, they sang only each alone, or but few together, while the rest hearkened; for each comprehended only that part of the mind of Ilúvatar from which he came, and in the understanding of their brethren they grew but slowly. Yet ever as they listened they came to deeper understanding, and increased in unison and harmony." Through the harmonies of the Ainur, a new world is brought into being. It is only the "turbulent sound" of one self-important, rebellious Ainur that threatens to upset the beauty of the songs of the symphony the Holy Ones have created in their response to Ilúvatar. I wonder, then, as beautiful as the melodic love of one disciple is to God, how it cannot compare to the unimaginably stunning symphony of millions, billions of voices of love in harmony -- powerful enough in their beauty to create new worlds and please God.

Remember, our love is a symphony. What kinds of beautiful things can we sing into being?

gotta love summer

2010-06-07T16:23:00.000-05:00

powerful beyond measure

2010-06-03T09:04:00.001-05:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

~ Marianne Williamson

portfolio preparation

2010-04-10T23:38:00.003-05:00

Just in case anybody's even remotely interested in why I haven't been blogging lately... Well, I have. Just not here. As part of my degree program here at ACU, I'm required to put together a portfolio blog that demonstrates my development and competence in certain expected outcomes. The portfolio is reviewed at the end of every year to determine my candidacy for the next year. So my first portfolio review is coming up on the 23rd, and everything was required to be posted by yesterday, the 9th. It's pretty much done, and, honestly, I'm pretty happy about how it's all come together. If you're interested in checking it out, here's your link: to the praise of God's glorious grace. Happy reading!

This Too Shall Pass

2010-03-12T11:13:00.001-06:00

I've been a fan of OkGo's videos for a while now, and this one absolutely lives up to the high standard they've set for themselves. Amazing!!

We Don't Need No More Trouble

2010-03-07T00:30:00.004-06:00

thankful thursday

2010-02-25T22:57:00.003-06:00

1. laughter

2. finding joy in even the most mundane tasks

3. friends' smiles

4. exciting dreams for the future!

5. a good lunch: poppyseed chicken, green beans, and salad

6. my mentoring group - every single one of them!

7. the prayer labyrinth on ACU's campus

8. getting a fair amount of homework done this evening

9. not feeling too overwhelmed this week

10. God's grace and the encouragement of others which got me through the past few weeks

11. snow sharks :o)

12. Tatia and her crazy stories :o)

13. Paul and the fun I have chatting with him

14. getting to talk to Ivan, my first and always best friend, and catch up with him and his lovely wife, Ariel

15. the bowl of cereal I'm about to eat - the traditional family bedtime snack

just a thought...

2010-02-08T13:03:00.004-06:00

Instead of fields, then, buy souls that are in trouble, according to your ability. Look after widows and orphans and do not neglect them. Spend your riches and all your establishments you have received from God on this kind of field and houses. It was for this that the Master bestowed wealth on you, to perform this ministry for Him.

(The Shepherd of Hermas, First Parable, 8) - quoted in Joseph A. Grassi, Informing the Future: Social Justice in the New Testament.

overwhelmed?

2010-02-04T18:04:00.005-06:00

Well, I've just made out my list of things to do for the next couple of days. Is it a bit overwhelming to think of an estimated 56 hours worth of homework, including over 600 pages of reading, to wade through in the coming week? On top of 9 hours of class, 8 hours of GA work, mentoring group, church, meals, and hopefully some sleep in there somewhere? If anybody out there feels inclined to pray or encourage as the week progresses, all would be welcome!

thankful thursday

2010-01-28T22:49:00.004-06:00

Thankful Thursday sounds like a good tradition to join in on, right? Here's today's list...

1. thunderstorms, even when they soak me through and through

2. a nice new friend who gave me a ride home in the rain so I wouldn't have to bike back

3. a dryer to dry my drenched jeans

4. my mentoring group

5. seeing Kaylynn, even if only for a few seconds

6. a day that's been relatively homework free, meaning, I only spent 2 hours on homework

7. a wonderful dinner tonight at the Childers' house

8. new friends I made at dinner

9. great dinner-table conversation, with lots of laughing

10. wonderful roommates!

11. a moving Holocaust remembrance chapel service yesterday

12. Pre-MAC retreat tomorrow & Saturday

13. Carol & Penny to ride with to the retreat

14. my hair on good days

15. the warm blanket that's covering me now

16. hot chocolate!

17. LOST coming back on soon!

18. good times with friends at lunch yesterday

19. REVIVAL at Hope

20. the really cute picture of Jakub, my nephew, that's my computer background - see:

creative weapon of love

2010-01-20T23:20:00.004-06:00

My recent review of “The Violence of Desperate Men” and “Beyond Vietnam,” two examples of Martin Luther King, Jr.'s amazing insight and dedication. If you'd like, you can click the links above to read (or even hear, in the latter case) the texts. It's absolutely worth the time to catch a glimpse into the life and passion of this amazing man.

In “The Violence of Desperate Men,” Martin Luther King, Jr., tells the story of the Montgomery Bus Boycott of 1955-56, an important event in the African-American Civil Rights Movement, which was beginning to take shape at the time. Faced with discriminatory treatment in the public transportation system, the Negro residents of Montgomery, Alabama, confronted the political and social powers of their community and took a stand against the injustices perpetrated against them by boycotting the transit system. These dedicated men and women relied on one another not only for means of transportation but also for reassurance of the importance of their cause. Opponents of the boycott and the Civil Rights Movement attempted to intimidate and divide the Negro community; they spread rumors about leaders of the group and issued false reports of a settlement regarding the city’s transit laws. They arrested and imprisoned Dr. King for a minor speeding violation, and someone went so far as to bomb the Kings’ home. Even in the midst of such disheartening circumstances, however, the members of this fledgling movement withstood the temptation to resign or retaliate. King, despite his own doubts and feelings of inadequacy, sensed a calling from God to continue in this fight, and so he pressed on, leading those around him in a campaign which sought justice and righteousness by promoting the values of peace and Christian love.

Over ten years later, with America deeply embroiled in the Vietnam War, Dr. King continued to speak out for these values, for although the scope of the situation differed, the issues at the heart of the matter were quite similar to the Civil Rights Movement with which King’s name is nearly synonymous. Addressing his fellow Americans and his government, King begins his “Beyond Vietnam” speech with the statement that “a time comes when silence is betrayal.” This time, he emphasizes, has come regarding Vietnam, and his conscience compels him to speak out. Prominent among his reasons for opposing the war are its detrimental effects on American society, his general abhorrence of violence, belief in a spirit of freedom and integrity for America, and his commission as a leader and a Christian to work for the brotherhood of humanity and the salvation of all into the love of God. King gives a brief history of the struggle in Vietnam, speaking from the perspectives of various groups which have remained voiceless. He strongly indicts the powers which have destroyed the lives of the Vietnamese people. He gives immediate and definite steps which should be taken by the American government to resolve and withdraw from the conflict, and he suggests ways for the audience to demonstrate its commitment to peace. He concludes with an extended oration on revolution, quoting John F. Kennedy: “Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.” Calling on his fellow Americans to support a positive revolution of values and to fight against injustice, King presents his audience with the choice they must make: nonviolent coexistence or violent coannihilation.

The most notable premise of these works of Dr. King’s is that resistance to injustice is a Christian duty which must be undertaken in a Christian manner. Even before the influence of Gandhi was felt and the terminology of “nonviolent resistance” was used, the philosophy which enlivened and directed King and many of his fellow protestors in the Civil Rights Movement was that of Christian love. King continually emphasizes that both his support for civil rights and his censure of the Vietnam War are based upon his Christian convictions. A belief in the equality and brotherhood of all humans as God’s creatures and a commitment to promote love, as both a means and an end, are the driving forces behind what King does and says. He continually entreats others to follow these philosophies as well, advocating—in a very Christlike way—nonviolence even in the face of hardship and the embrace of those who might be considered enemies. He calls on his listeners to “protest with the creative weapon of love.”

An important secondary theme of these words and deeds of King’s is the acknowledgement that our actions in the present have an immense influence on the future and must therefore be carefully chosen and employed. One the one hand, if not chosen wisely, they may set into motion a series of events which proves detrimental or even disastrous. The mess in which America found itself in Vietnam is an excellent illustration of this premise. Knowing this, King worked intently during the bus boycott to avoid an escalation into violence, enabling the movement to successfully avoid calamity. On the other hand, if chosen prudently, our words and actions may favorably change the face of society forever. King reminds his audience that they are living in revolutionary times and that there is an urgency to act in a positive way before it is too late and the opportunity is lost; indecision and uncertainty must be conquered if the world is to move forward. Even small actions can have a momentous impact, as is illustrated by one astute elderly woman who struggled to take each symbolic step to her destination during the Montgomery Bus Boycott: “I’m not walking for myself. I’m walking for my children and my grandchildren.”

MLK Day March Reflections

2010-01-20T23:09:00.004-06:00

I'm going to go ahead and share here a blog entry I wrote for my Contexts of Ministry class earlier this week. The assignment was to attend Abilene's local Martin Luther King, Jr. Day march and to write a reflection on my experience of the event, where people gathered to commemorate the man who has done so much in the fight for justice and equality in our world by walking in solidarity across a bridge bearing his name. To read the reflections of my classmates (and professor) visit our class blog here.

(Photo by Nellie Doneva of the Abilene Reporter News.)

As I reflect on my own experience at the MLK Day March, and as I read about the experiences of my classmates, I struggle to put into words what exactly it is that I saw and felt and thought during the event. I think the main reason I struggle to verbalize it all is that my expectations were not met in the ways I had anticipated they might be. I, too, had never participated in any events to commemorate Martin Luther King, Jr.’s life and ministry. This was new to me. Even though that was the case, however, I still came into the event with expectations—not so much expectations about what would happen, but rather expectations about how I would react to it. In light of the ministry of Dr. King, which I wholeheartedly appreciate and support, how would I act in this situation? How would I be affected? Who would I be?

There were encouraging and inspiring things about the march, to be sure, and I don’t want to forget those or lay them aside too easily. So that is where I begin. People gathered for a purpose, an important purpose. They took time out of their day to make a statement about their beliefs, their hopes, and their goals. The crowd which gathered showed some diversity. Those very important beliefs and dreams are shared by people not only of various skin colors, but also of various ages, economic situations, genders, and educational levels, among other things. The name of God was spoken reverently and in connection with a cause which (I at least believe) God supports and champions. All very good things which deserve more attention that I am going to give them here, but my focus is elsewhere.

Perhaps I allow myself to be too much of a cynic. Perhaps, for that very reason, I should take the time to focus on those kinds of positive aspects above rather lament the fact that the fullness of meaning which could have lay behind the events of the afternoon was conspicuously absent, at least in my own heart. In many ways, I identify most fully with Josh’s and Keith’s descriptions of the march, especially with the sense of purposelessness and even loss which Keith experienced. And I know much of that is of my own doing. My heart was not completely invested. I had an amazing opportunity to be a part of something meaningful, and instead of embracing that opportunity, I mostly squandered it by staying within my own comfort zone of known acquaintances and predictable and (dare I say?) hollow rhetoric and actions.

“Hollow.” Now that that particular word comes to mind, it is a fitting descriptor for experience. “Meaningless” is far too dire a take on the afternoon, for I know that there was meaning there to be found for those who earnestly sought it. “Hollow,” however, seems in many ways appropriate to my own participation. I gathered, but I gathered without purpose. I prayed, but my prayer does not always touch my life. I marched, but I marched without focus and without meaning. I was present, but I was absent. I was hollow.

As I reflect on the march and its purpose, I can’t help but think about the power(lessness) of the march as a symbol. To some, both participants and observers, this event was surely a potent symbol of the good that has been done as well as the long road that is left to traverse in issues of justice and equality. At the same time, I wonder just how much of an effect this statement had on the individuals, the community, the larger culture, and the world as a whole. Was the symbol itself hollow in some ways? It’s wonderful, yes, but was anyone paying attention? Did it really mean anything? Did it change anything?

I wonder, also, how would my experience have been different if my history and my perspective were different? Doubtless, it would be. I am the majority, the person of power, the elite in many ways. True, within my religious culture I have experienced discrimination as a woman, but for the most part, I know only what it is to be privileged. I’m an educated white upper middle class American. That definitely places me among the elite in the world, places me among those who have had little experience with suffering and oppression. And despite my burning internal commitment to the causes of justice and righteousness, sadly, my outward commitment often remains untested or falls short, leaving me with merely theoretical protestations of the abominations I claim to fight against. Surely this is one decisive reason this event was hollow for me?

To finally confront the cynic in me, I have to remind myself that while this event may have regrettably been bereft of much significance for me in the particular way it played out, there is yet another, more redemptive, aspect of the term “hollow.” Something which is hollow is prepared to be filled. So the questions with which I end this reflection are similar to how I began, only looking further toward the future: How will I act? How will I change? Who will I be? I pray that “hollow” is nowhere in the description.

today's thanksgiving

2010-01-17T22:47:00.001-06:00

- my church family at Hope

- authenticity

- friends at ACU - old and new

- Gilmore Girls

- a wonderful afternoon and evening of fellowship and fun

- singing in church and knowing those around me actually believe and live by what they’re singing

- Martin Luther King, Jr. - his dedication, his conviction, his insight

- good long conversation with Tatia, accompanied by hot chocolate

bookworm

2009-12-31T06:13:00.007-06:00

Here's the visual summary of what I've read this year. For the most part, I had some great reading material this year. Some serious, some silly, some deep, some superficial. Some for fun, some for spiritual encouragement, some for classes I was taking. And I'll admit up front that there are a few that I still have to finish (or that I was only assigned part of for class), but since I've read the majority of those, I'll count them as read in 2009.

My top three picks from the year are: Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris, The Depth of the Riches: A Trinitarian Theology of Religious Ends by S. Mark Heim, and easily the hands down favorite, Gilead by Marilynne Robinson. All in all, though, it's been a good year for reading, and there are lots of books here you should check out. Click on any one of them to be taken to the amazon.com description. What are some of your favorite reads from this year? Please feel free to share them with me so I can add them to my list for this next year! Here's to another great year in 2010!

faith and hope

2009-12-23T09:09:00.002-06:00

Just a few words along the lines of some of my recent contemplations...

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott

Advent Conspiracy

2009-12-08T17:17:00.003-06:00

I know, I know... another video and no "real" blogging. But honestly, this is one you should really see. Give it some thought. Give it some prayer. Give it a try. I think we'd all be blessed if we did, and that's not to mention the many others whose lives might be impacted in untold ways if we were to take this seriously. Many Advent blessings!

Dumpster Diving!

2009-12-05T02:31:00.000-06:00

Food for thought:

A Must-See

2009-11-30T18:10:00.001-06:00

Prepare yourself for some moving images.

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/11/25th_anniversary_of_the_bhopal.html

short but sweet

2009-11-15T12:02:00.003-06:00

For all my photographer friends out there, or just for anyone who wants to brighten a sick child's day... Check out Karen's blog here for an amazing way to bring joy to someone who needs it!

Europe, my long lost love...

2009-11-14T00:38:00.001-06:00

It's been nearly two and a half years... Two and a half years since I last set foot on European soil. And maybe two and a half years doesn't sound like a long time, but let me tell you, it's been semi-torturous! Any of you who are fellow travelers understand the feverish itch to get on a plane and go! I know I've been blessed in many ways beyond what I deserve, and I count my opportunities to travel as a huge part of that. I have no real room to complain, honestly. But I miss Europe... Europe's just amazing in pretty much every way. I miss the sights, the smells, the food. I miss the community I had with my traveling companions and the friends I made along the way. I miss the attitudes and lifestyles I encountered, the diversity which I witnessed. I miss the adventure of going unknown places, absorbing everything I come into contact with and treasuring it for future memories. I miss it all so much!

And now, though it's hard to believe, I'm counting down the days until I'm there again. Less than two weeks to go! On Thanksgiving day, I'll be touching down in Prague, breathing European air, once again surrounded by the languages and customs of people who are foreign and yet so familiar to me. And though it will not be in the traditional way which I am used to, even though I'll be eating airline and airport food instead of turkey and dressing and mashed potatoes and my family's beloved cranberry salad, I will be giving thanks on Thanksgiving day. I'll be giving thanks for the amazing experiences I have been blessed with in the past and for the opportunity to once again embark on an adventure. I'll be giving thanks for the family and friends I am leaving behind as well as the family and friends I'll be meeting, especially Joshua and Sarah and baby Jakub Eli, who is about to make his way into this world. And above all, I'll be giving thanks for the God who has made it all possible!

next semester

2009-10-27T11:47:00.003-05:00

Well, the spaghetti and meatballs was amazing, if I do say so myself.

And as far as the class schedule, I met with Chris this morning to get that figured out. Looks like next semester's going to be another fun one! I'll be doing second-semester Greek with Dr. Cukrowski again on Tuesday afternoons. Wednesday mornings will be Chris's Foundations of Missiology class, and then Thursday mornings will be Contextual Education with Stephen Johnson. And I'll also be doing a weekend course called Justice in the Biblical Tradition that they're brining in Robert Foster to teach. That'll be one weekend in February and one in March. So I'll have a regular 9-hour semester, plus 3 extra hours for the weekend course.

The only drawback to the schedule is that I have to be at class at 8 in the morning on both Wednesday and Thursday (ugghhh!), but that's a good thing too, in some ways. Means I'll actually have to get up and will be able to get some things done those days. And I can have some nice long weekends for trips home again. I could leave on Thursday at noon and not come back until Monday afternoon or evening! Hooray!

So that's what's going on in my life at the moment... Now I've got to go (quickly!) to make it to Greek on time, then there's lots and lots of reading in store for me this week! 'Til later!

joy in the smallest of things

2009-10-26T11:05:00.004-05:00

Things I'm looking forward to this week:

more leftover spaghetti and meatballs for lunch here in a few minutes!
figuring out my class schedule for next semester
systematic theology
smiling faces
finishing season 2 of Scrubs
the feeling of accomplishment that will follow the insane amounts of reading I have
church on Wednesday night at HOPE, followed by Taco Bueno!!
reflecting on my ministerial identity
reading more in Jane Eyre
sharing my life story with my mentoring group at Monks
dinner with the roomies and co., accompanied by Community and The Office
GST talent show!!!

It's gonna be a busy week, but it's gonna be a good one!

plain Jane

2009-10-13T21:46:00.006-05:00

Now, I know facebook quizzes aren't exactly always the most reliable indicators (ha!), but I think this is a pretty good description of me. May be time to pull this one off the shelf and read it again. I've always identified with Jane since I first read the book back in 9th grade English class. Let's see, that'd be 11 years ago now... What do you think, does it fit me?

"You are Jane Eyre from Charlotte Bronte's classic masterpiece. You spend much of your life torn between the desires of your heart and the choices you feel are most logical. You're a smart person who is very resilient, romantic, strong, and forgiving. You have a lot of love to offer people, if they're willing to look past your eccentricities to find it. You spend much of your time in a state of humble, thoughtful silence, yet you're not afraid to get assertive when the situation calls for it. You've never been one to conform to society's rules, even if that means making unpopular decisions. People will try to change you, but you'll never let them. Above all else, you're a Romantic with your own set of beliefs and desires. In the end, everyone knows you're going to make the right decision..."

new take on an old classic

2009-09-25T23:46:00.004-05:00

I just came across these guys tonight, and I'm honestly very impressed. They call themselves Pomplamoose, which is French for grapefruit... Her voice reminds me a little bit of Regina Spektor and a lot of Ingrid Michaelson. You should check out some of their videos on youtube -- both the covers and the originals are great!

more praises

2009-09-16T13:20:00.002-05:00

11. a good book to read for class
12. a full belly
13. Summit coming up soon!
14. chapel today being encouraging
15. getting to reminisce about Europe with Shaun
16. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
17. deep, rich colors
18. my bike
19. loan money in my bank account!
20. smiles

the gaze of God

2009-09-15T22:42:00.004-05:00

For those of you who might wonder what in the world God is up to in your life...

"Perhaps the gaze of God is like the gaze of the artist on the completed painting. Each and every pigment is discrete, and no mark is laid down carelessly; yet this green would not be present in its particular greenness were it not for this blue laid down at some time next to it. Each brush stroke has been laid down, one by one; yet when the painting is complete, we apprehend it in a single vision. But the painting is not 'time-free'; rather, it is a condensed temporality. We gaze on it as on a complete and consummated whole bearing all the marks of its making. People might be like this under the attentive gaze of love."

- Janet Martin Soskice in The Kindness of God: Metaphor, Gender, and Religious Language

thanksgiving

2009-09-14T21:26:00.002-05:00

No, I'm not confused as to the time of the year, though the rain and cooler days that we've had in Abilene this past week might have made me think that it was about time for some turkey! Rather, I've just had it on my heart recently to work on developing a more outspoken attitude of thankfulness. So, thinking back to the days of the RFC email thankfulness lists, here's a list of my own for the day:

1. a beautiful evening on a blanket at the disc golf course, reveling in God's presence

2. great class discussions today

3. food to eat -- it's time for a snack, and I have the luxury of eating one!

4. three wonderful roommates

5. neighbors who continually knock on our door because our witness of generosity and kindness has encouraged them to

6. getting to talk to all of my grandparents throughout the past few days

7. snickerdoodles

8. cookies in general -- I'm an equal opportunity cookie devourer.

9. the challenge of contemplating the things I've been learning

10. a wonderful new church and new friends there!

What about you? What are you thankful for in your life? How has God blessed you today?

walking on a rainy afternoon

2009-09-09T16:34:00.005-05:00

catching up

2009-09-09T09:14:00.005-05:00

So for those of you who might still be anxiously awaiting to hear how my first day of school went (two and a half weeks ago...), sorry 'bout that. I know you've been on the edge of your seats, checking at least every hour to see if I've updated you yet, right?
It's amazing how quickly time passes here, when there's always something to do, whether that's reading for class, meeting new friends and getting to know them, or enjoy my few moments of downtime when I can get them. So, though blogging has been relatively high on my priorities list, I just hadn't made it there yet. Til now.

I'm sure you'll pick up on this in what follows, but just to summarize: I'm loving it!

I've got three wonderful roommates -- Deanna, Olivia, and Kaylynn. I'm having a great time getting to know the three of those girls, and they've been so much fun to hang out with. We'll cook dinner together every once in a while and watch an episode or two of various TV shows that we're all fans of. They're amazing, and I definitely thank God for brining us together!

Here are a couple of pictures for you of my side of the room I'm sharing with Kaylynn.

We're in a cute little house just a block or so off campus (down the street to the west of University Church of Christ, for any of you who might be familiar with Abilene). It's a great location, not just because it's so close to campus, but also because we've got some of the guys from the GST (Graduate School of Theology) living just down at the other end of the street, and they're a lot of fun to hang out with. Just last night, in fact, they hosted their annual GST cookout, and there were probably around 100 people there. Definitely a good time!

So as far as churches, well, I thought it would take me a while to find a place that I felt comfortable, but that actually happened the first Sunday in town. I'll probably check out a few other places still, but as I do, I'm planning to attend HOPE Church of Christ, which is a smaller, more informal congregation than I've been accustomed to, and that's exactly along the lines of what I was looking for. They meet on Sunday nights instead of Sunday mornings for worship, so that'll give me a chance to visit some other places on Sunday mornings as well. Anyway, my roommate Deanna goes there and introduced me to it, and I immediately felt like a part of their family. Not only that, but I was able to truly worship from the heart for probably the first time in years, or at least what seems like years. Right now the church is in the process of relocating, from a warehouse that they've been in for the past few years, to a storefront location which they're renovating themselves. I've gone to help out with the finishing touches (painting, outlet covers, etc.) a couple of times, and it's amazing what they've done to transform that place. We'll be moving in around the beginning of October, and we're all excited!

And classes... the main reason I'm here in the first place. I can't really describe to you how happy I am to be here and how much I am enjoy my work!! You may think I'm crazy for having fun doing Greek homework and reading about systematic theology, and that's fine. Maybe I am. But I'm okay with that because I'd rather be crazy and happy than sane and miserable, I suppose. :)

Foundations of Theology of Ministry is way too long of a name for a class, but it's a great class, nonetheless. It's a new introductory class that's just being taught for the first time this semester, with Jeff Childers at the helm. So at the moment, we're reading things about how to think theologically, and we're doing exercise to familiarize ourselves with different aspects of GST life (the library, study habits, talking some about spiritual disciplines). It's not a heavy workload, and it's been a good class to help us first year students get to know one another a bit better. And Jeff's great. He's got such a wonderfully dry sense of humor that I cherish. He's an amazingly smart guy, but he's also got such a heart for ministering to his students and helping us in our journey of spiritual formation. That's something that can be said about nearly everyone here at ACU (if not everyone), and it makes me so thankful to be here.

I'm also taking beginning Greek with Ken Cukrowski, which has been really good so far. I've taken a year and a half of Greek before, but it was five years ago that I finished it up, so I decided to start at the very beginning (Sound of Music, anyone??) again and get a good review, since I'd forgotten so much. So at the moment, it's a relatively easy class for me, though I know there will come a point in the not-too-distant future at which I'll have to actually start studying. It's great to get back into a language again. Something I've missed. And Ken's also a great teacher who makes what can be a very difficult and frustrating experience for many into one that's still challenging but enjoyable and not overwhelming.

And my favorite class... Systematic Theology I with Fred Aquino. Now I'm not quite sure yet if I'm enjoying this class because I may have some potential for theology or in spite of the fact that I don't have any potential for it, and I just don't realize it yet. It's one of those classes where I think I'm understanding what I'm reading and how the discussion goes, but it could be that I'm just so completely lost that I don't even realize how lost I am. Make sense at all? The class is definitely a challenging one on many levels. To start off with, there's plenty of reading to do. Thankfully, this last week was the heaviest as far as reading (with a 300 page book for the week), and it'll slow down a tiny bit on that in the future. But it's also challenging in that when we're finished with our marathon three-hour-long class on Monday afternoons, I'm not sure I can think or talk straight because my brain's been challenged to wrap itself around so many various aspects of an idea or an argument. And that's one reason why I'm loving it! And I definitely enjoyed the reading for last Monday's class. That 300 page book, "Canonical Theism," was amazing. Not yet sure exactly where I fall on everything it was discussing, but it had some very powerful things to say to Christendom today. And I have a lot of respect for Fred. He's a man who has been gifted with an amazing intellect which he pushes to its furthest reaches in order to serve God and the church. He's misunderstood by many, but what he pursues and stands for is truth, even when it flies in the face of our comfortable traditions and misunderstandings. I think I can learn a lot from him.

Well, there's more to be said, but that'll have to wait for another time. I've got to go finish getting ready and then head to grad chapel. It's a weekly Wednesday occurrence, often followed by lunch at one place or another, and I've already come to treasure that time in worship and fellowship with my fellow students and my instructors. And today I'll be reading a poem and leading a prayer. So, off to dry my hair I go! Later!

first day of school

2009-08-24T07:21:00.002-05:00

It's been a couple of years since I've had one of these, but today's the day. And for those of you who may still be wondering, I chose Abilene Christian University over Boston University. Sorry to leave you in suspense for months... So today I've got Foundations of Theology of Ministry with Jeff Childers, and also Intro to Systematic Theology with Fred Aquino. Say a prayer for me and this new adventure of mine, and I'll let you know later how it all goes!

more needed words

2009-08-03T00:02:00.003-05:00

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

- By Your Side - Tenth Avenue North -

whimsy

2009-07-31T01:04:00.009-05:00

Just been having some fun this evening playing around with a few of the MANY photos I've taken over the years. The originals are first, followed by the edited versions. Enjoy!

The Wounded Healer

2009-07-21T21:35:00.002-05:00

More Henri Nouwen for you... Since I've started receiving daily snippets of his writings via email, I've become even more of a fan than I previously was. So here's some food for thought:

"Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not "How can we hide our wounds?" so we don't have to be embarrassed, but "How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?" When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers.

"Jesus is God's wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed. Jesus' suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love. As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others."

The Story of Stuff

2009-05-13T14:50:00.002-05:00

I came across this video recently and wanted to share it with you all. I don't know about you, but I'm sick and tired of the endless consumerism, discontentment, and waste that characterize our society. Here's a short clip, but please go ahead and check out the full version of The Story of Stuff. We do have the right to live rightly and the responsibility to live responsibly. Enjoy!

Spectrum of Personality

2009-04-28T20:36:00.004-05:00

It seems like everyone generally has a favorite color. For my grandmother, it's undoubtedly blue. One look at her house would tell you that without a doubt. (I'll post a few pictures below to demonstrate what I mean... Yes, the whole house is like that, and as Nellie can tell you, there really are no words.) Anyway, throughout the years, my favorite color has changed, and I've often wondered what, if anything, that says about me during those periods of my life. I came across a website the other day that seemed to answer the question for me.

Now, I know it's not exactly scientific, but these descriptions are me in a nutshell. For the majority of my life, blue has been my favorite. About three to four years ago, a dark red comparable to maroon took precedence, and for the past few months green has definitely been growing on me and may take the top spot. For those of you who've know me during those times, I think you might see when you read the descriptions below just how appropriate they really are for me. Anyway, just a bit of fun...

Blue: Soft, soothing, compassionate and caring, Blue is the color of deliberation and introspection, conservatism and duty. Patient, persevering, conscientious, sensitive and self-controlled, Blues like to be admired for their steady character and wisdom. They are faithful, but are often worriers with somewhat inflexible beliefs and can be too cautious, and suspicious of flamboyant behavior.

Maroon: Harsh experience has probably matured the Maroon person into someone likeable and generous. It is often a favorite color of someone who has been battered by life but has come through. It indicates a well-disciplined Red personality—one who has had difficult experiences and has not come through unmarked but who has grown and matured in the process.

Green: The color of harmony and balance, Green symbolizes hope, renewal and peace, and is usually liked by the gentle and sincere. Greens are generally frank, community-minded people, fairly sociable but preferring peace at any price. Green people can be too self-effacing, modest and patient, so they may get exploited by others. They are usually refined, civilized and reputable.

And now for Grandmother's house. Be prepared to be amazed. Or aghast. Or something...

The Wisdom of Henri Nouwen

2009-04-27T22:43:00.001-05:00

"You must decide for yourself to whom and when you give access to your interior life. For years, you have permitted others to walk in and out of your life according to their needs and desires. Thus you were no longer master in your own house, and you felt increasingly used. So, too, you quickly became tired, irritated, angry, and resentful.

"Think of a medieval castle surrounded by a moat. The drawbridge is the only access to the interior of the castle. The lord of the castle must have the power to decide when to draw the bridge and when to let it down. Without such power, he can become the victim of enemies, strangers, and wanderers. He will never feel at peace in his own castle.

"It is important for you to control your own drawbridge. There must be times when you keep your bridge drawn and have the opportunity to be alone or only with those to whom you feel close. Never allow yourself to become public property, where anyone can walk in and out at will. You might think that you are being generous in giving access to anyone who wants to enter or leave, but you will soon find yourself losing your soul.

"When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart and find yourself able to share that joy and peace with others."

needed words

2009-04-23T22:21:00.002-05:00

much afraid

2009-04-20T22:47:00.008-05:00

I know it's only been an hour since my last post, but I just realized something I wanted to share. I haven't fully processed it yet, but I wanted to say it anyway. It's not exactly profound, and it's probably not something you even care all that much to hear, but that's all right.

One of the basic elements for me in this process of deciding where I'm going to end up for the next couple of years for grad school has been my fear. I've placed a lot of emphasis on my fears without completely comprehending why. I still don't understand why. If I follow the lines of thinking that I have been recently, then whatever decision I make would be based on fear. If I decide to go to Abilene, it will be because I'm nervous about Boston and don't think I'm ready for the challenges it will present me with. If I decide to go to Boston, it will be because, although I'm still afraid what lies in store for me there, I believe those fears need to be faced and overcome. In the first scenario, I run to safety because of my trepidation, and perhaps justifiably so. In the second, I take steps, trembling as they may be, toward my fear and have to trust with all of my heart that God will provide and will see me through.

Now, I know this analysis is extremely simplistic and does not offer a thorough picture of my inner turmoil (which you probably wouldn't want to suffer through anyway), but I believe its simplicity holds some truth.

Firstly, it makes me ask myself who I want to be. Do I want to be the one who continues to live a relatively easy and non-threatened life spiritually and emotionally? Stay in my comfort zone a little bit longer and give myself a chance to be fortified? Perhaps I need that and the nurturing environment that Abilene would provide, especially after the things I've been through over the past few years. Or do I want to be the adventurous one who seeks out ways to humble and challenge herself? Dangerous, I know, possibly very dangerous. But along with that potential for wounding or failure is the potential for blessing beyond measure. Is it justifiable or healthy to choose a path because I know it would be more of a challenge to my faith and because I don't want to back down from this challenge? And again, would this be a genuine leap of faith or mere stupidity?

Secondly, it makes me wonder where exactly these fears are originating from. "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." Is this hesitance a God-given gift to guide me in the right direction (assuming that there is a right direction)? Or ought I be anxious at all? I know that to most of you, this does not necessarily seem like that difficult of a choice, and in many ways it really shouldn't be. But for me it's not just about what school I end up at or even just about where that will lead me. It's about what kind of a statement my decision makes about me and my faith in God and His ability to preserve my heart and soul in Himself. I realize that God is able to do immeasurable and unimaginable things, and I really shouldn't worry about whether or not He'll be faithful. And as His child, He's given me boldness and the capacity to conquer all through Him, not this spirit of fear that I have been using as my springboard for decision. Shouldn't I be contemplating so much more than I am just how God could mold me and use me in each situation? Instead of moments, mercifully few though they might be, of sheer panic, ought I not rather have sustained excitement and trust in His sovereignty, no matter what choice I make or where I find myself in the future?

Some unfinished thoughts that will continue to work themselves out in my head, turning round and round so that I can see them from every angle. As I mentioned to my mom earlier this evening, being able to perceive every minute aspect of a situation is a blessing when it comes to peacemaking but a definite curse when it comes to decision making. The saga -- Decision 2009 -- continues...

update

2009-04-20T21:58:00.004-05:00

Well, I was hoping that hearing about funding from ACU would make my decision easier. It hasn't. Just got an email this evening telling me about the scholarship offer, and I'm still basically where I was as far as the choice itself. So here are my two offers:

Boston University - full tuition and an $8000 stipend per year.
ACU - full tuition and a grad assistantship which would pay about $1700 a year.

With the cost of living being so much higher in Boston, those two would honestly be pretty close to equal. They'd pay for housing, and then I'd have to take out student loans or work to pay for groceries and all that jazz.

So basically, when it comes down to it, money shouldn't be a deciding factor. And the things that are deciding factors have pros and cons for each school for various things, depending on who I want to be and where I want to go with my life. Thoughts and prayers still greatly appreciated!

Boston, continued...

2009-04-16T22:39:00.004-05:00

Well, it's been just about two weeks since I got back from Boston, and to answer your first question, no, I don't have a decision yet. Not an official one, at least. I know what I'm leaning toward, but we won't go there quite yet... I would like to catch you up on what the rest of my trip entailed, though. It'll be the (somewhat) shortened version. Enjoy!

Monday (30th): It was cold and rainy again. Seemed to be the theme for the week, actually. Definitely something I'd have to come to terms with if I moved up there. I bundled up a little, though, and took an umbrella with me to go do some more exploring. Started off downtown again and just wandered through some streets taking pictures. Went through the deserted Boston Common. And I'm sure I got some funny looks as I stopped to take pictures, while the rain fell and while my umbrella attempted to escape my clutches. I don't mind a few stares, though, if I can get some good shots in, and I did get a couple of decent ones. Stopped at McDonald's for a mocha to warm up and dry off a bit. Then I headed back to Vic's to grab my stuff and head for the hotel where I'd be staying for the next two nights. As I was walking to the hotel from the subway stop, I noticed a girl about my age with a suitcase who was heading the same direction, and I wondered if she might be part of the group, and it turns out that not only was that true, but she was also my suitemate at the hotel. So Jayne and I checked in together and got settled in our rooms. She went to see her sister, who lives in Boston, and I took some time to relax for a while. That evening, the prospective students who were there already met up just down the street from the hotel at the Theology House, which is (not so surprisingly) some housing for about 20 theology students. We got to meet some of the current students over pizza, talk to our fellow prospectives, and take a tour of Theology House. Afterwards, a group of about 10 or so of us prospective students went out to talk some more and get to know each other. I know I very much shocked one of my fellow Southerners (from Paragould, AR, actually...) by the fact that I'm a Church of Christer and was considering Boston University, and also that I went out with the group, knowing that there'd be some alcohol involved (very minor amounts, for those of you who might also be shocked). That evening I really connected with Jayne and also with two guys named Matthew and Aidan. The four of us ended up spending a decent amount of time together over the next couple of days, and I'm thankful for having met them. They helped make it a great experience for me and gave me a good taste of what I could expect if I decided to attend there.

Tuesday (31st): Well, I wish I could say that Tuesday got off to a good start. Honestly, it didn't. I didn't sleep well at all, due to the fact that it was 85 DEGREES in my room! Aaah! I was sweating and throwing off covers, opening windows, closing windows when it got too light and too loud outside, doing just about anything possible to sleep sanely, and failing miserably at my attempts. I think I easily woke up 6 or 8 times during the night. It didn't help that I was right over a very busy street, and it really didn't help that that morning, of all mornings, there was a protest just about 30 yards down the street, where some group had chained a mannequin to a storefront, someone had called in a bomb threat, and there were multiple sirened vehicles passing by just under my window. Yikes! But after a rocky start, the day turned out to be a good one. It was actually sunny and decently warm on Tuesday (the only day of the week!). A group of us met in the lobby of the hotel and walked on down to the school for breakfast with the dean and the rest of the prospective students who'd arrived too late to join in at Theology House the night before. After breakfast, I attended a survey of the New Testament class (taught by a woman!!), and then it was time for lunch with the dean and many of the professors. They were amazingly nice and very interesting people who were fun to talk to. After lunch was another class, then a walking tour of some of BU's campus. An hour or so of free time, and then dinner at a Chinese restaurant. After dinner, we went to the dean's apartment, just down the street, where we had dessert and talked amongst ourselves for a while. A few of us went back to the place we'd been the night before, where we played a thrilling game of Clue and then headed to bed.

Wednesday (1st): We had a lovely time eating the varieties of pancakes that the BU Theology Students' Association whipped up for us that morning. Afterwards a quick tour of the theology building and theology library. Then it was off to chapel. The chapel service was very encouraging to me. Some good singing, a good message, and a bit of time to refocus myself on God's control of my situation and future. I definitely needed that last part especially, because this whole decision-making process has been heart-wrenching for me. There are things about each school that I love, and a few things about each that would be difficult or frustrating to me. Each school offers so much; they just offer different things. And so the challenge has been to determine which one is the better fit for me at this point in my life, to foresee which one I will benefit most from intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and in so many other ways. So the reminder of God's presence and benevolence was much appreciated. After chapel was the weekly community lunch with all of the school of theology's student body, faculty, and staff. As we were walking to lunch, I happened to spot Dr. James Walters, one of the professors whom I'd been able to email quickly with before I left for Boston, and we were able to sit together at lunch and talk some more. (One of the people I'd met at ACU had mentioned that he knew some people in Boston, so he'd put me in contact with Steve Holt, who you'll hear more about later, who then connected me with Dr. Walters and a guy named Chad via email...) Dr. Walters was a wonderful man for me to meet and talk with for many reasons. Besides just being a great and friendly guy, he comes from a background that is very much like mine. He's a Southerner, a member of the Churches of Christ, he was a professor at Harding for 10+ years, and he actually was offered a job at ACU at the same time he was offered his position at BU. He knows and has worked with a number of the ACU faculty. And so he was able to understand and address a number of my thoughts, questions, and fears about this decision that I'm making. And he's expressed that he'd be willing to provide a listening ear to me if I needed it in the future. So that was comforting, knowing that if I did end up at BU, I would have someone who understood where I was coming from and why I might be struggling with certain things as opposed to others. I'm very thankful to have met him! After lunch, we were taken on a trolley tour of the city, which was quite entertaining, and I learned a decent amount about the city's history while also getting to talk more with some of the prospective students. And when we got done with the tour, our official event were over. Sad! I had to start saying goodbye to my newfound friends, knowing that there was a good possibility I'd never see some of them again... Jayne went to do some organ practice for when she got back home the next evening. Matthew went to meet a friend of his. Aidan and I went to Bruegger's Bagels to get a drink and some internet. We spent an hour or so there talking until it was time for him to leave for home. Hugs and goodbyes, and I headed back to Vic's. It was cold and rainy again, and I honestly was a bit depressed and indecisive and upset, so I wasn't sure if I wanted to do anything that evening. But I convinced myself to go visit the Brookline Church of Christ (where Dr. Walters and his wife attend) because I found out it was only about a ten minute walk from Vic's apartment. Their website said they were meeting at 7 at the building, "no foolin!" (as it was April Fool's Day), so I gathered up my emotional strength and traipsed on over there, actually working myself up to looking forward to it, only to get there and realize that I really must have been fooled, because there was not a single person there, and the building was quite locked. It had started to rain, so I didn't wait around to get even more wet (hadn't taken the umbrella with me). I headed back to the apartment to settle in for the evening to myself. Vic came back a little later and very nicely fixed me something to eat (hadn't had dinner yet), and I caught him up on the past few days and then watched LOST while he worked on some other things. Went to bed very much emotionally and physically exhausted.

Thursday (2nd): Thursday morning I met up with this guy named Chad who I'd been able to email with a little. He's another one who's familiar with both ACU and BU and is interested in many of the same things that I am, so he was able to provide yet another perspective on things for me, to give me some things to think about. While we were sipping our coffee and munching our pastries, all of a sudden at my elbow, Matthew walks up and says, "I don't know enough people in this town to be bumping into people I know." So after Chad and I finished up, Matthew and I went to meet up with Jayne for a while, and then when she had to leave, he and I headed over the the campus to eat lunch with a friend of his and some of the theology students. Then it was time for him to leave, and I was alone again in the city. For the afternoon, I went over to Harvard's campus for a while. I'd heard it was a bit greener than much of the rest of the city, and it was, so that was nice. And any theology student registered at any of the Boston schools can take theology classes at any of the other schools, so I might be taking some classes at Harvard if I end up up there. Sat for a while on the steps to one of the buildings. Called Nellie and filled her in on the details of the trip that far and what I was thinking. Spent some time praying and reading in my Bible (the story of Moses' calling). Left Harvard to go visit the USS Constitution. It's the oldest commissioned naval vessel still floating. 1797. Got to take a tour of it, which was quite interesting. Walked to the Bunker Hill monument. Then hopped on the T to head out to Steve and Chrissy Holt's house for the evening. Like I mentioned, I got in contact with Steve through one of the people I'd met at ACU over their preview weekend at the beginning of March. I'd emailed Steve a few days before leaving for Boston and was able to talk with him on the phone for an hour or so as well. He and Chrissy had hoped to meet me at the airport when I came in, since they only live one stop away from it, but with my rescheduled flights, that didn't end up working out. The two of them and some friends meet weekly on Thursday nights for dinner and some time of fellowship and Bible study, so I was able to join them, and it was a huge blessing to me! Both Steve and Chrissy and two of the other members of the group had done some grad work at ACU and then moved up to Boston. They had had varying experiences at ACU. None particularly bad, just some different perspectives and insights on what to expect and what might be gained from grad work there or in Boston. It was good to be around a group of people who'd been through some of the things I was considering and who also shared faith that was very similar to mine. Those few hours with them were among the most encouraging and precious of the week for me. I know for a fact that if I end up in Boston, I will greatly need a group like them. One couple dropped me off at the T station, and I headed back to Vic's house to talk with him a while and head to bed.

Friday (3rd): My last day in Boston. Again, cold and rainy. Surprise, surprise... Said goodbye to Vic in the morning as he headed out to work. Got up and dressed, packed my bag, and then went to run a few errands. Picked up a gift card to a bakery as a thank you to my wonderful host, went over to Theology House to recover his umbrella that I'd left there on Monday night on accident. Ate lunch at a little diner around the corner from his apartment. Didn't have much else to do. I'd pretty much seen the sights I wanted to see, plus I was tired of walking around in the rain, so I spent a few minutes catching up on some emails. Then I gathered up all my stuff and headed out. I got to the airport a little early (despite the fact that from the T stop, I got on the wrong bus which took me to the wrong terminal, so I had to walk quite the distance to the correct terminal). Checked in my bag and got my boarding passes and had about an hour and a half to wait. I considered settling down in the terminal for that time. But then I made up my mind. I'd never been to the Atlantic. The only time I'd ever been to the beach was for an hour or two one afternoon in Marseille. I wasn't going to come all the way from Arkansas to Boston, be that close to the coast, and not go! I hadn't found a way to squeeze it in earlier in the week, and even though it was dreary outside, Vic had told me about Revere Beach, which was only four stops away from the airport, and I was going to go. Knew I'd be cutting it close, but I'd at least try! So I left the airport and headed back out. I actually made it with plenty of time to spare, so I took fifteen minutes or so to walk on the beach, step into the quite cold waves of the Atlantic, take a few pictures and collect a few seashells to take home with me. Perhaps not most people's ideal beach experience, but it all seemed very fitting to me, including, and perhaps especially, how overcast and gray it was. Just seemed to fit my temperament at the time. Back at the airport (I took the right bus this time), I easily made it onto my flight and headed out of Boston. For all I knew, it could have been my first, last, and only time to be in the city, and so it was a bit sad. But in all honesty, I was so emotionally spent from the week of wrestling with my options that I was longing to be home and back in the familiar. No 4 1/2 hour layover in Cincinnati this time, thankfully. And back at XNA, Nellie and Jedediah were there to pick me up and drive me home. Open spaces, stars, trees, tree frogs... all thing that I'd missed very much during the week that I'd been away. As much as I like the idea of Boston and all it offers, I know there are things -- big things and very small things -- that I'd miss very much about my home. It was good to be back. Good to be home.

So the question still remains, yes, after two more weeks of contemplation and prayer and attempts to think about each possibility as if it had already been decided and attempt to not think about it at all... I am excited about the possibilities that are open to me, the amazing opportunities that God has given me. But I am saddened by what I know I will be giving up. No matter which choice I make, I know that there are things about the other school that I will be missing out on, perhaps never to experience. And I am scared. Not exactly scared that I will make the wrong choice, because I don't think that either choice is a bad one. More scared that I will struggle for whatever reasons with the choice that I do make. I know which direction I am leaning, but I am still waiting for more information about scholarships from ACU before I make that decision final. I covet your prayers. Prayers for my ability to make a wise decision, prayers for my sanity, prayers for my ability to cope with and meet the challenges that will come my way wherever I end up. I thank God for you and for your encouragement! And now, after what must be the longest blog post ever, I think it's about time to call it a night...

Lady of the Library
(For more pictures, check out my album on facebook.)

The Road Not Taken

2009-04-01T17:40:00.004-05:00

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Boston, days 1/2 and 1

2009-03-29T22:53:00.008-05:00

So, as some of you know, I'm currently in the process of trying to make a decision about where to go to graduate school. I've pretty much narrowed it down to two possibilities. One the one hand we've got good ole Abilene Christian University, and on the other hand we have Boston University. Two schools which are worlds apart in oh so many ways! It's almost the differences between them that make the decision so hard. Each school has so much to offer; they just offer different things. Finding the right balance between those things and the right fit for me is proving extremely difficult, and I welcome all the encouragement and prayers you're willing to give!

In the process of figuring this thing out, I'm making visits to both of the schools. I've been to Abilene plenty of times before, but at the end of February, Scott took Corey, Hunter, and I down there once again to scope out the place. A good program, great professors, and amazing people all around. I know I would fit in marvelously there and get a good foundational education to prepare me for further studies if I decided to go that route. I came away from that weekend just *knowing* that was where God wanted me to be. I was comfortable with that knowledge and excited about the future. Within just a few days, I got a phone call. Boston University on the line. I already knew I'd been accepted. What I didn't know until that phone call was that they were going to pay for it. Full tuition, a decent living stipend, and most expenses for a trip to visit the school and check it all out myself. Yikes! Not something you can just turn your back on easily...

So here I am in Boston. Got a cheap ticket through Priceline and am here for six days. I figured if I'm coming all the way up here, I might as well have a bit of time to enjoy it. Plus it was even cheaper that way for some reason. I'm staying with Nellie's friend Vic from back in Malaysia. He's amazingly nice, so much fun, and quite hilarious! So how has the first day or two gone, you want to know?

Well, it started off interestingly... You'd think if I were to have bad weather mess up my travel plans, it'd be in Boston or in Cincinnati, where I was changing flights. One of those northern yankee cities. You'd be wrong. Saturday morning, when Nellie dropped me off at XNA, it was raining. But that rain quickly turned to sleet. And then snow. We all got loaded onto the plane quickly and were even going to be early taking off, but of course, the hose on the truck that was deicing our plane broke when they were almost finished, so they had to go get a new truck and then basically start all over. We sat out in the plane all that time, waiting, and we finally left nearly an hour late. So instead of a 30 minute layover in Cincinnati, I practically ran through the airport to try to make my plane but missed it and then had a 4 1/2 hour layover until I could catch the next flight to Boston. Oh well... Look on the bright side, right? Guess I got my workout for the day in...

I finally made it into Boston, grabbed my bag, found the shuttle bus to the T, and made my way across Boston to where Vic lives. In the whole process, I am proud to say I only got hit on once. The guy next to me on the blue line of the T. Let me tell you, he was something else with his baggy jeans, t-shirt, ball cap, and Red Bull. "Can I give you my number? I could show you around. I like being a tour guide. It makes me feel important!" Um, no. Not so much.

Vic met me at the T stop near his apartment and so very kindly walked me there. He had some dinner all prepared (mmm - Malaysian food!), and we had a very nice time chatting for a couple of hours as we ate and then as we walked a ways to a bakery/coffee shop, where we sat and talked some more. He's a really great guy who is so generous and so much fun to be around! Back at his apartment that night, he fixed me up with a lovely air mattress and anything I could possibly need. I slept pretty well after the long day.

This morning we slept in a bit. It was cold and rainy outside. Just the kind of day where you don't want to get out of bed. Plus, it had been a long day on Saturday, and neither of us is a morning person either. When we did get up and around, he fixed breakfast. Again, mmmm! Pancakes. But not pancakes like most of you are used to. More like a cross between MeMa's pancakes and the palacinky/Palatschinken you can get in Europe. Very thin pancakes which you can fill with a topping and fold over to eat with your hands. My favorite was lemon juice with a bit of sugar. I'll be eating that more often in the future!

After breakfast we set out to see some of the city. Like I said, it was pretty dreary outside. That front that had come through and brought the sleet and snow to Arkansas was here, but strangely enough, up here where you'd think it would be colder, it was warm enough that we just got rain. We took the T to the stops near Boston University and wandered around the campus a bit. It's very unlike the U of A's campus because it's located in a downtown area of a big city. The buildings are beautiful, but you can tell a lot of them were probably co-opted from their previous uses to serve the university's purposes. Most everything was locked up since it was a Sunday afternoon, but we stopped by a food court area and sat to have something to drink to warm our chilled selves. Sat and talked and watched the people around us. When we were warm and dry enough, we set back out and meandered down some of the streets to see what we could see. Kenmore Square, the Back Bay area, lots of nice shops and restaurants, the Apple store... Took the T to Government Center, where we walked by Boston City Hall, Faneuil Hall, through Quincy Market, near Long Wharf, and over to the North End and some nice little Italian areas. Got some gelato at an amazing bakery and then headed back across town to crash at his place again.

Here for the evening, we spent some time working on various things. I thought I might take a short nap, since I was sleepy and my knee was hurting a bit from all the walking in the cold, wet weather. But I ended up spending a couple of hours on the computer. (Yes, I know, come all the way to Boston just to spend my evening online!) But there were things that needed to be done. Forms that needed to be filled out, emails to send, things to figure out for all this silly admissions process which is more of a hassle than it should be. Got to email back and forth some today with a girl in Abilene who is looking for another roommate to fill the fourth spot in the house. She seems absolutely amazing, and if I end up there, I hope it works out. So I feel like I accomplished a lot this evening. I've gotten some things straightened out, I think, so that's good. Spent a bit of time talking to Libby this evening. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do without her! It's only been two days, and I think we're both going through withdrawals! How in the world are we going to survive months at a time?!

It's been a full but enjoyable day. Not too pressured or busy. Gave me an introduction to the city. Allowed me to wrap up a few things that needed taking care of so that I can really focus more in the next couple of days. Just the right way to start off my trip here. And now, it's nearly 1 am. So it's time for bed again! I'll keep you posted!

One last thing to leave you with: Boston By Fog...

tension of the heart

2009-03-07T02:57:00.002-06:00

As you can see, I've got quite a bit to say tonight. I hope you will make it through to the end with me, even if not all in one sitting. :-)

I would like to begin by praising God for the fact that my outlook on life has improved a great deal in recent weeks. I am extremely thankful for this change and must let you know that. There is, however, one aspect of my perspective which has become an area of concern for me. I have realized just within the past few days how much I am living in fear of condemnation. Not condemnation from God, for I firmly believe that I have been justified fully through the blood of Christ. I have accepted Christ as my one and only way of salvation and redemption and am attempting daily to live in faith and in His will for my life. I do not believe that I have anything to be uneasy about from God, for He has promised redemption and is always faithful. And I know that in the last day I will give an account for myself and no one else, and no other will give his own account for me. The fate of my soul is and will be between me and God; to my own master I stand or fall, and I will stand, for the Lord is able to make me stand. No, when it comes to my worry about condemnation, it is rather God’s people of whom I am afraid. Now this may sound ridiculous. After all, what might I have to fear from the people who should love me the most? But this gnawing apprehension will not ease, nor will the worry that my concerns may have some basis. And above all, my trepidation points to some deeper issues of the heart.

To state it rather candidly, I am in the process of exploring some points of view which I believe are not and probably never will be supported by some members of my family and church fellowship. I don’t want to delve deeper into those specific contemplations at the moment, as that is not presently my aim. And it would serve us all well to remember that, as I have already mentioned, this is a process. My views are far from set -- more that they are in the stage of inception -- and they will surely continue to develop, most likely continuing to evolve over the course of my lifetime. I cannot say for certain who I will be and what I will believe a year from now, much less fifteen or fifty years from now. My prayer is that God will continue the process of maturing me in faith, in love, in knowledge, and in wisdom. I cannot ask to see the end result right now. I can only ask for Him to be faithful in the present and to assist me in my own faithfulness to Himself.

All that being said, my deliberation at this time, as I begin to prayerfully examine the beliefs that I hold, is how to faithfully fulfill the various purposes and directives I believe God has given me in this life, especially as those paths sometimes seem, in my own admittedly limited vision, to be inharmonious or perhaps even irreconcilable. One calling I cannot dismiss is that to examine my heart, mind, and beliefs, to pursue truth, and to live a life dedicated unswervingly to God’s service in light of the truth which is revealed to me. At the same time, I am called to live a life of love, giving of myself as Christ gave of Himself, and submitting to my fellow Christians out of reverence for God.

Jesus assured His followers that if they would ask, seek, and knock, they would receive their answer from God. And so I am asking for knowledge, I am seeking wisdom, and I am knocking at the door of the kingdom, humbly desiring to enter. I am searching for the truth that gives freedom. I am in all things wanting to glorify my Savior and Redeemer, and I want to do nothing which will inflict injury on or inhibit the spiritual growth of His church. I do not believe that these two callings of mine -- one to wisdom and the other to love -- are mutually exclusive. By no means could they be, since Christ realized both of them. At times, however, because we are all imperfect humans with incomplete understanding, there is an extremely delicate line to walk. And I am not yet sure how to even approach that line, much less how to engage it.

Perhaps in my time of study and prayer, God will lead me to conclusions which are generally acceptable to those whom I love dearly. Perhaps my current inclinations are merely the expression of incomplete knowledge or faith. At times I almost wish this to be so, for it would simplify my life considerably. But the life of faith has never been an easy one, and to sacrifice truth for the sake of convenience would be foolishness indeed! And so, I must continue to follow the beckoning of God into greater knowledge, understanding full well that this may turn out to be a costly decision. How am I to react if the wisdom he imparts to me is in fact at odds with the beliefs of those I love? Undoubtedly, I am to serve Him first and foremost, even at the cost of leaving behind father and mother, husband and children, brothers and sisters, and even my own life, as Christ makes quite clear in Luke 14. Yet at the same time, I am called to live a life of love, just as Christ loved and gave Himself up. I am asked to sacrifice my own desires and proclivities in order to ensure the spiritual health of each member of the body of Christ. On disputable matters (whatever those may be!), I am permitted to hold an opinion which may not be shared by all, but I am never permitted to allow that belief to destroy my brother for whom Christ died. I am to make every effort to do what leads to righteousness, peace, joy, and mutual edification.

This is not an easy path to tread, however. It would be much more manageable an affair if I were guaranteed that those with whom I will be interacting were doing their best to work toward wisdom and deference as well. The church is certainly better able to seek, serve, and glorify God when it also pursues unity and reciprocal submission. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. And even when all of the parties involved do preserve those goals, the definition of what exactly is contestable and what is essential comes into question. In what matters should we surrender, and on what issues would acquiescing to another’s opinion be an abandonment of the truth of God? I fear that some subjects which I would consider to be the disputable matters addressed in Romans 14 are regarded by others as issues of extreme importance, perhaps even to the point of salvation, issues which are not open to question or interpretation. And I am sure the same is true in reverse. There’s the rub.

Perhaps ‘condemnation’ is too strong a word. Perhaps ‘reproof’ or ‘disapproval’ would be better suited to name my apprehension. For, again, I do not foresee damnation or censure from God, though I am sure there will be others who would believe I should dread such a thing and will not hesitate greatly to tell me so themselves if the time comes. It is rather the possibility of just such a reaction from those I love that distresses me. I do not ever want my family and church to feel as though I am living in blatant disregard for and rebellion to God’s commands and am subject to His disapproval. I do not want to be spurned for my convictions if I have come to them through an honest desire to know and follow God. It would be nice to be received for the person I am and am becoming in Christ, regardless of the fact that my beliefs may sometimes differ from their own.

However important these considerations may be to me, though, through my consideration of them, an even more fundamental question has come into view in my life. This more pertinent and all-encompassing query is this: Should it even really matter? Should I be attentive to the kind of reaction I get from those around me regarding the convictions I hold? Ought not my one and only guide be God, as revealed through Christ the Word and the Spirit, my Counselor?

Please, please do not misunderstand me to be saying that I believe the observations and concerns of my Christian family should be disdained or even neglected. I know that God has placed His people in community for many very good reasons, one of which is so that we can encourage and exhort one another to live pure and holy lives of faithfulness. I greatly value this role of the church, and I thank God for His wisdom to use His people in such a way!

What I am getting at, rather, is really the question of where my allegiance truly lies. Is my faith built on the weak foundation of a need for acceptance and affirmation, or is it firmly established on the Lordship of Christ and none other? Why am I fearful of the judgment of others if I have been justified fully by the grace of God? If indeed I am given the knowledge that I ask God for, and if indeed living in that knowledge entails something which is different from that which I have known and that which those around me still cling to, how will I react? How will I attempt to live in submission to my fellow Christians without compromising the integrity of the gospel of Christ? And if those I love are not as supportive as I might hope, will I shrink back in fear of displeasing them, or will I be able to boldly step out in faith into the life that God has called me to? What are my idols, and who is truly my God? Will I abandon all else, even that which is most precious to me, leaving everything behind in order that I might know God better and serve Him fully?

I like to think I know the answer to those questions. I like to hope that in faith I will be able to live confidently in the Lord, pursuing and living in truth as He reveals it to me. And I know that God is in the process of developing such a faith in me. I ask you, however, to consider these questions in your own life. And I beg you to pray for me, for yourself, and for all of us. Pray that we might seek knowledge and wisdom, that we might live in love and submission, and that, above all, we might find Christ and only Christ at the center of our lives!

a quick request

2009-03-04T00:09:00.002-06:00

Hello, all! Hope that you're doing wonderfully today! I just have a quick request for those of you who do read this blog. I'd like you to say a prayer for me, if you don't mind. First of all, a prayer of praise that things have been going quite well in my life lately. And secondly, a prayer that I will be given wisdom in both the choices I am making (especially regarding grad school) and in regard to some issues that I am currently contemplating. I'd like to go where God wants me to go and know what God wants me to know. That's it! Thanks!!

my desire

2009-02-16T01:01:00.005-06:00

I know I've already posted a few things recently that are other people's words, but they're words that express very well who I am and what I'm thinking about, so I do it anyway. We'll get to more of my own words sometime soon, but in the meantime, I've got more lyrics for you. This song was introduced to me by my friend Mitch, and I'm very thankful for that because it quickly became one of my favorite songs. If you haven't heard it, I'd suggest lala.com as a free way to listen, because it's the music nearly as much as the lyrics that make the impact.

This is who I am and who I want to be, who I am striving to be. So thank you, Jeremy Camp, for expressing those things artfully and in a way with which I can connect.

"My Desire" by Jeremy Camp

You want to be real
You want to be empty inside
You want to be someone laying down your pride
You want to be someone someday
Then lay it all down before the King
You want to be whole
You want to have purpose inside
You want to have virtue and purify your mind
You want to be set free today then lay it all down before the King

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

You want to be real
You want to be emptied inside
And I know my heart is to feel you near
And I know my life
It's to do your will
It's to do your will

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

All my life I have seen where you've taken me
Beyond all I have hoped and there's more left unseen
There's not much I can do to repay all you've done so I give my hands to use

This is my desire
This is my return
This is my desire to be used by you

Love: Angel Mission

2009-02-13T08:56:00.003-06:00

I know it's a little late for this year, but think about it, please!

Got any gift ideas for Valentine's Day? We do. from Angel Mission on Vimeo.

reflection

2009-02-08T13:01:00.001-06:00

The wing and the wheel... they carry things away
Whether it's me that does the leavin' or the love that flies away
The moon outside my window looks so lonely tonight
Oh, there's a chunk out of its middle... big enough for an old fool to hide

Where are all the dreamers... that I used know?
We used to linger beneath street lamps in the halos and the smoke
The wing and the wheel... came to carry them away
Now they all live out in the suburbs where their dreams are in their children at play

There's a pale sky in the east... all the stars are in the west
Oh, here's to all the dreamers... may our open hearts find rest
The wing and the wheel are gonna carry us along
And we'll have memories for company... long after the songs are gone

-- "The Wing and the Wheel" by Nanci Griffith

no apologies...

2009-02-02T21:51:00.002-06:00

"The whole life of the good Christian," said Augustine, "is a holy longing." Sadly, many of us have been led to feel that somehow we ought to want less, not more. We have this sense that we should atone for our longings, apologize that we feel such deep desire. Shouldn't we be more content? Perhaps, but contentment is never wanting less; that's the easy way out. Anybody can look holy if she's killed her heart; the real test is to have your heart burning within you and have the patience to enjoy what there is now to enjoy, while waiting with eager anticipation for the feast to come.

-- Brent Curtis & John Eldredge in "The Sacred Romance"

Mission is Love

2009-01-25T00:33:00.001-06:00

Really, does time go by that quickly? Is January nearly over already? It's been two months since I've posted anything on this blog, and yet it only seems like two days...

So I've been doing some thinking. Thinking about a lot of things lately (what's changed?), but we won't go into all that. One thing I have been contemplating, though, is the web address that this blog occupies. www.missionsminded.blogspot.com Now, I happen to like that address, and I don't plan to change it anytime soon. Just been doing some thinking about it. I suppose the thoughts were spurred by a blog post by my friend Kristi Sweeney.

Kristi's post caused me to consider more the unfortunate ability we as Christians have of being able to substitute religion and religious activities for a real relationship with God. I know that many of us are prone to doing this; I know that I myself am. Why is it that we cheat ourselves? When we have offered to us the most unbelievably rich relationship with our Creator and Redeemer and Lover, why do we refuse it for a cheap imitation religious life based on only obligation and guilt? God longs to be in relationship with us! He created us in his own image, with hearts and minds and souls, so that we could commune with him, not so that we could wrench ourselves from his loving arms and put distance between ourselves and him, saying, "I know you just want to be near me God, but no thank you; I'd prefer self-flagellation for my guilt and subservience to this set of ideals which, if I keep it perfectly and unquestioningly, will, I believe, redeem me in your sight or at the very least make me a good person." But time after time we do just that, pushing away the possibility of real intimacy and meaning in our relationship with God. What was meant to be a "sacred romance" (thank you Brent Curtis and John Eldridge) is abandoned for an admittedly easier but much less fulfilling attempt at a partnership, which will in the end get us nowhere.

So what in the world does all that have to do with the location of my blog, you ask? This girl is crazy; why is she rambling about something that makes no sense? Well, it may not make much of any sense to any of you, but I suppose that's because you're not me. You haven't seen what I've seen when it comes to God working in me these past few years. Sometimes I honestly haven't even understood it, and I have definitely questioned God about it all many a time. Anyway, back to the subject at hand... When I began this blog close to four years ago, I settled on "missionsminded" as the web address. Appropriate, I thought, given my interest in mission work. I'd been on a number of spring break and summer mission trips with the RFCs and was even considering dedicating a chunk of my life to long-term foreign mission work. I'll tell you right now that I wouldn't change any of that. I'm thankful to have had the experiences I did on those mission trips, I am still very interested in and dedicated to foreign missions, and I'm glad that I did settle on that name for my blog. The thing is, my concept of missions had been shaped a good deal by what I was talking about in that paragraph above -- the tendency I and many of us have to substitute religion for God. Now I'm not saying I wasn't genuine in my desire to serve God. I'm not saying I didn't wholeheartedly mean the things I've posted here on this blog. And I'm not saying that I was wrong in doing the things I did or even in doing them for the reasons that I did them. What I am saying is that God has changed me. He's helped me grow; he's brought me to a place of greater, though still incomplete, understanding. I can see now that my thoughts on the mission of God needed some tweaking.

Besides having the distinct possibility of becoming an idol or a way of self-respect and redemption for me, based on what I could accomplish instead of what God could do in relationship with me, my concept of God's work in this world was too limited. It needed to be expanded and yet at the same time simplified. There's a verse in Scripture that perfectly describes God's mission in this world. It's one that I'm sure most all of you could quote endlessly without trying, perhaps even in your sleep. It's one of those verses that you hear so much that you almost forget what it means. You are desensitized to the magnitude of its words: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." Good old John 3:16. Whenever I thought of mission, what came to mind, and likely what I was mostly referring to in "missionsminded," was the experience of traveling to an unfamiliar place and working in a foreign culture to improve the lives of the people I would encounter, bringing them whatever it was that they needed. That's not a bad description of missions, not even a bad description of what it is Jesus did for us. And maybe it's the part of me that so desperately craves and even needs adventures and the opportunity to make a difference that influenced me into thinking along those lines. But when such a powerful word is pigeonholed into such a limited meaning and not allowed to express the fullness of what it was meant to express, we are missing out on so much!

Another look at John 3:16. One bit at a time. God loved the world. He loved it so much that he willingly gave up the one who was most precious to him, willingly separated himself from the one to whom his relationship was otherwise inseparable. By doing this, he opened up the possibility for those of us who believe in him to not perish. Think about that! Everything that we know perishes! All we see around us is fading and will someday soon be gone. But not us. Not if we believe in Jesus. And not only that, not only will we not perish, but we will have life everlasting, life to the full as mentioned elsewhere in Scripture. All by believing in him. And all because God loved. That is the mission of God. LOVE. Love so strong that God is willing to give up his most treasured bond with his son in order to even have the possibility of relationship with us. Love which encompasses life and conquers death. Love which gives all of itself just because it can.

It's not that my definition of missions was wrong. Just not complete. It's like how all squares are rectangles but not all rectangles are squares. Building houses for people who need them, feeding the hungry, providing opportunities for people to better their place in the world, teaching about Jesus and his ministry, baptizing people into Christ and seeing God forgive their sins -- these are mission. But mission is not these things. It encompasses but also transcends these things. Mission is God coming to us because we couldn't and wouldn't come to him. Mission is partaking in the purpose of God in this world. Mission is loving others even especially when they don't deserve it. Mission is not a frenzy of religious-looking activity, even religious-looking activity sprung from the purest of intentions and a good heart. Mission is resting in the heart of God, becoming one with its purposes and plans. Mission is throwing oneself wholeheartedly into relationship with God, leaning on him, learning from him, and trusting in him. Mission is recognition of God's own mission in this world -- to reconcile his people to himself and to be reunited with them in spirit. Mission is love.

decision made

2008-11-15T09:35:00.002-06:00

My last day at the bank should be December 19th. Not an easy decision to make or an easy decision to tell my boss about, but the one that needed to be made, I believe. Haven't told my co-workers yet. I'll do that Monday morning before they send out the email saying that "Laura Beall has decided to pursue other opportunities outside of the Bank of Fayetteville." Other opportunities being holidays with my family. And hopefully a job that is not quite as frustrating. So if you've got any ideas about a job, I'd appreciate those now. :) Thanks for your thoughts and support!

dilemma (noun): a situation requiring a choice between equally undesirable alternatives

2008-11-11T11:02:00.002-06:00

Hope you all are doing well so far this week. I've got a prayer request I'd like to send your way...

As you all know, I'm not a huge fan of my job at the bank. It's an all right job, just not really the best for me. And I'd kind of thought about finding something else to do anyway, just because I get bored and frustrated with my job. But I do work with good people and don't necessarily just want to up and leave them. That being said...

I was told Friday that I could have either the day after Thanksgiving or the day after Christmas off, but not both and not any more time around the holidays. Understandable, coming from bank management. Should have expected it. But Joshua and Sarah are going to be here from the Czech Republic for the holidays. And my family will be celebrating in Memphis and southwest Kansas, 6 and 9 1/2 hours away from Fayetteville. And I want to be with them, not here on my own. I'd saved up plenty of vacation time to be able to spend it with them, and now it looks like I won't be able to use it.

This is important to me. And if I actually liked my job and really wanted to keep it, I'd find some way to deal with it. But given the fact that I'm not a huge fan of it anyway, I'm now contemplating quitting my job to spend the holidays with family and finding a new job at the first of the year. Don't know if that's a wise decision or not, but it's what I'm thinking about. So I'd appreciate your prayers that I do make a good decision for myself and my family, that if I do decide to quit that things will work out okay with the bank and also with finding a new job for the first half of next year before starting grad school. (I'd thought about going straight into school in January, and while that's tempting in many ways, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for it yet. Not quite ready to leave Fayetteville, my family and friends, and my wonderful roommate Libby and her dog Emmer.)

So there's the dilemma. Prayer and advice appreciated. :)

a tip...

2008-10-30T15:44:00.007-05:00

I know this isn't the kind of post you all have been oh-so-eagerly awaiting, but too bad. I'll get there eventually. This one might make a bigger difference than any other possible post to some of you, though. Those of you who have been around me in the past couple months might (I hope!) have noticed that I've lost some weight. Twenty pounds, actually. Now, I've still got high hopes of losing another twenty or so, but I will say that I am just a little impressed with myself. :)

How have I accomplished this feat, you ask? SparkPeople. Anyone ever heard of SparkPeople? I hadn't until last April. And no, it's not a miracle program or diet. It's just the basics of good common-sense nutrition and exercise. But there's encouragement. And resources. And accountability - accountability to yourself, most importantly. So if you or anyone you know is looking to lose some weight and get in better shape, check out www.sparkpeople.com. Absolutely free, completely safe, tons of help, and a great way to accomplish your goals! I'm creatively named laura.beall, and you can add me as a buddy if you like. Like I said, no magic tricks here, just a healthy, dare I say almost fun, way to shed some of those extra pounds. Good luck, and God bless!

back from the dead?

2008-10-08T23:05:00.002-05:00

Two whole posts in the past year. Not quite the "excessive musings" I thought I might have when I started this blog. Now, don't get me wrong. There has been plenty of musing going on in my life in the past year. Far too much of it at times, actually, and those two blog posts cannot come anywhere close to expressing anything but a minute portion of it. So it's not that there was nothing to say, it's just that most of my reflections were not fit for public consumption. A few who are close to me might have been interested in reading them, but I'm honestly not sure that I could have formulated much of it into words or that it would have been appropriate to post it even if I could have. I might take a bit of time over the next few weeks to share a tiny bit of that with you ("you" being my two readers), and then I really would like to get into the habit of posting semi-regularly, for my own benefit if no one else's. We'll see...

a man after God's own heart

2008-02-21T22:19:00.002-06:00

It's been a while... Four months. Four months have flown by. I haven't had a lot to say. God's been good, though I must admit that at times I doubted if that was really the case. He always proves me wrong. :) I'm not going to go there right now. Maybe later. I do want to share some of my thoughts with you, though, on another subject... What does a woman mean when she says she's looking for a guy who is a spiritual leader? The question was posed to me recently by a guy friend who was looking for some insight from a female perspective, and while I am far from claiming that my answer is the answer every girl would give, it's the answer I would give. Here's what I wrote back to him:

A man who is a spiritual leader is, first of all, a man who is seeking and serving God with all of his heart and to the best of his ability long before the woman ever comes into the picture. He's not just doing it to get someone else's attention or because of someone else's influence on his life; he's doing it because it is fundamentally who he is. He's someone who loves God above all else and is pursuing God relentlessly, which will be obvious in his choice of activities, the way he treats people, how he takes care of himself (physically, emotionally, spiritually), and (in my opinion) how he dreams big dreams and allows God to lead him into them and fulfill them.

He will spend time developing his own relationship with God, and I'm not talking a pray-at-dinner-and-before-bedtime kind of relationship or a relationship where he only plays around at being a Christian when it's comfortable or useful for him. I'm talking a real relationship, in which he constantly seeks God for his company, searches to understand God's character more fully, embraces both the comfort and conflict that come with a deepening relationship, and makes a commitment for the long haul, no matter what. He will be honest, real, and genuine, whatever the situation may be, but he will always attempt to allow God to remain the director of his ways, even when it seems like there may be no reason to trust God. He will readily put himself and his own reputation on the line to fulfill the calling God has given him, not shrinking back from challenges and trials he meets but rising to the occasion because of the strength and ability God has given him. He will, in all things, remain humble and recognize that it is always God who is the one giving that strength and ability, as well as God doing the redeeming from sin and from a hopeless way of life and death.

He will love others with a friendly, kind, giving, and compassionate love, helping draw them into relationship with himself and his God. He will lead by acts of service, whether organized and public or more everyday and intimate. He will challenge other Christians to live their lives devoted to Christ and pursuing passionately the God who created them, loved them, lived for them, died for them, and called them into relationship with Himself.

He will challenge and encourage his wife (or girlfriend) to be this same kind of person and spiritual leader, loving her for her multi-faceted beauty as the created image of the Creator, loving her despite her imperfections and sin, loving her through her struggles (and by that I do mean loving her so intensely and genuinely that you bring her through her struggles, helping her conquer them, especially the struggles with her own self-image, which seems to be nearly universal among women), loving her for the person she has been, loving her for the person she is, loving her for the person she can be and helping encourage her as God forms her into that person.

He will join with his wife and his family of believers in the adventure God has set before him to change the world for the better by bringing news of Light and Life to those who do not have it. He will openly embrace whatever it is God sends his way, knowing that God's plans are meant to prosper him and not harm him, to give him hope and a future (Jer. 29:11), and he will delve into those plans wholeheartedly and with abandon, giving everything he has to the One who gave all for him.

I want to be this person too. And I want him to want me to be and push me to be this person. And while we'll both fall short, together we will be stronger than we could have been apart. Together we will see and know more of God than we could have alone. Together we will love and serve the One who has done nothing but love and serve us.

2007-10-22T21:48:00.000-05:00

"You don't throw away a whole life just 'cause it's banged up a little." I just finished watching Seabiscuit. An amazing story of despair, of brokenness, of defeat. More than that, however, a story of hope, of faith, and of victory. The whole movie strikes a chord with my soul because I too have been a person of despair, brokenness and defeat. But I long to be the triumphant overcomer who will run with abandon the race set before me, casting off everything that hinders and entangles and fixing my eyes only on Jesus so that I do not grow weary or lose heart. Yes, my life has been banged up a little. There have been times when it seemed I would not recover from my brokenness. On my own, I will not. Perhaps I am not supposed to. For, after all, I am only a jar of clay. It is my weakness that is to display God's strength. And God is faithful. Even in the midst of tribulation, He has walked by my side, leading me and comforting me with His presence. And though I my never be the same as I was, I suppose that's probably not God's plan for me after all. Whatever the case, I am not going to give up on life or give in to defeat just because I have been banged up a little. You never know what God will do, and you never know what victories may come.

2007-08-23T01:45:00.002-05:00

I've heard the sentiment so many times. I know they mean well, and I know that in a way, they're right. But what frustrates me and, yes, even scares me is what lies beneath it. It all comes down to neediness and our insatiable desire as human beings to avoid it. I hear the words once again. It is time for the Lord's Supper, time to focus our thoughts on the intense passion of the One who gave all He had for us. I hear the words: "We take this bread and this wine, not because we are hungry, but because we have been commanded to do so in order to remember Jesus and His sacrifice." Yes! And NO! How ridiculous to think that a crumb of nearly flavorless cracker and a sip of wine could satisfy! How ridiculous to contemplate coming to this remembrance "supper" in need of sustenance! And yet how perilous not to! For this is no ordinary bread we eat -- this is the Bread of Life. And it is no common juice we drink -- it is the Blood of Christ, who is the True Vine. How dare we come to this Feast of Life with such mistaken assumptions?! Not hungry?! Physically, perhaps. And I know this is what is meant. But I look at those around me, I listen to the voice of the one praying over this communion we are about to take part in, I even listen to my own heart, and I see that, truly, we are not hungry in the more important spiritual sense either. Oh, we take part in the ritual, and we congratulate ourselves on a job well done and lives well lived. Perhaps we do consider the sacrifice of Jesus and thank God for it. But this is nothing. Because three minutes later, we move on with our religious lives, forgetting what we have just been called to remember. Because we are not hungry. We are not hungry. When we ought to be ravenous, craving the Bread of Life and the cleansing Blood, when our souls ought to be crying out for the only Food that truly satisfies, the Manna of Heaven, sent from above to save us from spiritual starvation and certain death, "No," we politely say, "we are not hungry." Again, I understand what is meant. Physically, we are not partaking in the Lord's Supper in order to satisfy our bodies' needs. But we are doing it, or rather, ought to be doing it, to satisfy our souls' needs. For there is no other food that can compare, nothing of any spiritual nutritional value. Nothing but Jesus.

Why? My heart demands to know! How have we become thus? How have we fallen into this trap of spiritual complacency? Why are we not able, or perhaps not willing to be hungry, truly hungry for the Life that Christ is and gives? Why do we give His sacrifice only a few minutes' thought, even in the midst of our time of worship, of which it should be the central focus, and move on quickly, as though we don't want to dwell on it too long?

There are those who get it. They understand that without Jesus, they are nothing. Absolutely nothing. But with Jesus, things are different. Life is different. They are different. Because with Jesus everything matters. Because of Him, they have not only been forgiven of sin and freed from darkness, they have been empowered to live lives of light and righteousness, lives of truth and goodness. And living as victorious conquerors in a world which once held them captive, they rejoice over the One who has given them life. They take part in the feast of His Body and Blood not as a dispensable ritual, but as an absolute necessity for survival. For they crave the sustenance it provides, the sustenance He provides. They cannot live without it. They know it. And you can see it in their eyes, hear it in their voices, read it in their lives. They live with passion for the One who lived and died with passion for them. They are hungry.

do not fear

2007-02-05T23:57:00.000-06:00

It's been a while. And a lot has happened. I'm not even going to attempt to go into it all, because, well, besides taking forever, it would just be too difficult to describe. So we'll just say that life has gone on for a few months, not necessarily as planned, at least as planned by me, that is. These past few months have been some of the most emotionally and spiritually diversified of my life, with highs and lows beyond words. At times it has been a struggle, one that I was absolutely sure I would not survive. But then there were the times where God's presence could be seen, shining through the seemingly impenetrable clouds that had gathered. I am thankful that my Lord and Father is faithful, even when, and especially when, I am not. He and the people He has put in my life have carried me through the last couple of months, and for that I am exceedingly grateful.

When you pass through the fire, you will not be burned. And the flames, they will not all consume you. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. And the waves, they will not overtake you. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine! For I am the Lord, your God. For I am the Lord, your God. The Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I am the Lord. Do not fear. I am the Lord. Do not fear. I am the Lord!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Jeremiah 29:11

like a soccer game...

2006-06-11T10:31:00.000-05:00

Howdy ya'll! I'm just sitting here by the window in Ashley and Jordan's room, thankful that the internet connection is pretty stable and that from where I sit, I can't see a single cloud in the sky. Hooray! And yes, my feet are hanging out the third story window, so I hope somebody down below gets a good laugh from that...

Today's a pretty crazy day here in Leipzig. As I'm sure some of you know, the World Cup games started last Friday, and today is the day for the first Leipzig game. The Netherlands versus Serbia-Montenegro. Yep, that's just right down the street a couple of tram stops away from me. So we were riding back into town this morning after being out at the Perrys' house for worship services, and things were starting to get a little crazy with all the fans. Wigs, hats, shirts, jerseys, horns, all sorts of stuff. Craziness...

Last week as our group was all talking, feeling somewhat frustrated with the slowness we can experience in European missions, Corey made the statement that it seems like missions in Europe is much like a soccer game. We Americans come from a society that's much more into football, basketball, baseball - the games that are filled with action and where there always seems to be something going on. And in some ways our view of missions is like that. We want more Bible studies, more activities, more baptisms. More bang for our buck. And then we come to Europe. And that doesn't happen. Oh my, how it doesn't happen. Missions here is completely different than in many parts of the world. It's like the soccer game. There's a whole lot of kicking the ball around, down the field and then back to the other end, while it gets blocked and stolen along the way. Nothing ever seems to happen... and then BAM! Goal!!!! And it may be that there are only a few goals ever scored in that game, but man, are they exciting and worth every minute of the work! We're here in Leipzig (and in Tomsk) doing what we can. We're helping out with passing the ball down the field, trying to work our way towards a goal. It takes a whole lot of work. Many meetings... time spent talking over coffee about random things, just getting to know someone... a 7 1/2 hour bike trip... inviting people to activities and being so frustrated when they continue to make up excuses... inviting people to activities and being surprised when they actually say yes... trying so hard to get someone to read from the Bible, which in some cases can take years... seeing many reject the Savior and the faith that are so dear to us... seeing the light in the eyes of the few who begin to understand. Those goals don't come often, but they sure are worth it. Worth every second, every cent, every bit of discomfort and embarrassment. It's wonderful to see! I wish you were here to meet the people I've met, to experience the things I've been priveleged to experience, to dream the dreams I'm dreaming for people like Carolin, Michael, Ina, Diana, Ines, Elfi, Dina, Konrad, Jenny, Carsten, and many, many others. I thank you for your prayers, and I especially thank our Lord for his grace and goodness! What a mighty God we serve!

who am i??

2006-04-07T13:01:00.000-05:00

An interesting new toy... Check it out: http://kevan.org/johari?name=Laura+Beall Tell me what you think I'm like. It'll be fun to see what people say about me...

dreaming God-sized dreams

2006-04-03T14:19:00.000-05:00

Hey, guys. I've got a link for you: http://www.time.com/katrina I just discovered this photo-journal today and thought some of you might like to see it, especially those of you who were down in New Orleans over spring break. It's heartbreaking for me to see this, to remember the week we spent down there, to think of the people we helped, and most especially to think of the people we weren't able to help because we didn't have enough time. I know that those of you who experienced the relief work know how I'm feeling. God is great, and He is caring for the people of the Gulf Coast, providing for them and drawing them closer to himself through tragedy and heartache. How, though, can God be using us? It was amazing to see the multitude of ways He was able to use us in one short week -- pulling up trees, clearing out sheds, tearing down drywall, talking to homeowners and church members, learning from Fred Franke and the other leaders of the relief efforts, encouraging other workers and being encouraged by seeing how God is working in their lives, building stronger relationships among those of us who went -- the list goes on and on.

My question for you is this: How can God use you to help in this situation? As a few of you know, Megan and KT and I have been doing some dreaming and some planning. (What's new there?) With a lot of prayer and thought, we've decided that God's leading us to do something more than just watch and pray about the situation. God has given us an opportunity to serve Him by serving others in a unique way, and we're taking this step in faith. The plan is to take the fall semester off from school in order to go back down to New Orleans and continue helping in the work there. There is so much to be done!! Our spring break group worked so hard for a week straight, and we accomplished some amazing things, but that was merely a drop in the bucket of there is that needs to be done.

So, back to the question. How can God use you? Will you pray for us? We will (and do) definitely need it. Will you encourage us? I know that we'll miss you guys a ton when we're gone, and it'd be such an encouragement to hear from you! Will you help support us financially? I know that's a hard one to ask college students (because I am one and I understand). Lodging and food will basically be provided for us while we're working there. But there will be other expenses, like gas to get down there and back when we need to. Can you support this mission financially, even if it's just a few dollars? (That might pay for a gallon of gas to help us on our way...) How can God use you? Will you join us? The people of New Orleans desperately need your help to rebuild. And I'm not just talking about houses here, either. It's amazing how God can use tragedy to draw people into a relationship with Him. New Orleans is seeing Jesus in an astounding way. The people are broken and in need of God, and they are coming to realize that. And they are seeing Him. They are seeing Him through the efforts of the churches and relief workers who are there, giving of themselves wholeheartedly. They are seeing Him in the joy and peace and faith that remains in the lives of the Christians, who are living there with them in the midst of destruction and turmoil. They are seeing Him as their lives are slowly rebuilt and hope is restored to them. How can God use you? Come with us! Whether it's for the whole semester (which we would love), or even just a week or two during the summer, come! I have not seen a field so ready for the harvest! It's just that the workers are few. Think about it. Dream big. We're only limited by what God can do, which is to say that we're not limited at all! Scholarships can often be deferred, degrees can be put off for another semester (or you can even think about doing an internship while we're there, like Megan might be doing, or taking some classes at one of New Orleans' many universities, like KT), jobs can wait for another few months. Don't rush through your life in such a hurry to get somewhere that you miss out on the journey. Put your "life" on hold for a while. Help others rebuild theirs. And in the meantime take ahold of the opportunity of a lifetime, one that will be gone before you know it. Take this opportunity to spread the blessing of Jesus to the world and at the same time receive a blessing you never would have thought possible. How can God use you? Just ask Him, and follow wherever He leads.

Laura

www.hilltoprescue.org
www.hilltoprescue.org/photos_damage
www.hilltoprescue.org/photos_fieldwork
www.hilltoprescue.org/photos_volunteers
www.carrolltonavenuechurch.org
www.operationnehemiah.us

awestruck

2005-08-29T20:05:00.000-05:00

Our Lord is amazing! It is wonderful to see Him working in this world! Sunday morning at church it was a privilege to see two added to the Kingdom as new children of God. It was amazing to see months of prayers being answered when a dear friend asked for the support of the church as he desires to leave his struggles with sin behind and refocus his life on God. It was awesome over the past week to hear how God has been using one friend to reach out to another friend, speaking of the power of God to change her life and discussing the possibility of baptism into Christ, leading to the rebirth of another soul into the family of God just a few hours ago.

It is exciting and humbling to see how God has been so powerfully at work in the RFCs in just the past week since school started, bringing all these things to pass and much, much more! Prayer groups, Bible studies, an amazing group of freshmen and transfer students, a devo so full that we ran out of food and places to sit, new friends to reach out to, passion for and dedication to the Lord and His work on this campus, times of open and honest confession of weaknesses and needs, challenges to break away from the status quo and to live truly Christlike lives... I could go on and on.

I am thankful for the opportunities God has provided for change and growth, for renewal and revival, for service and love. I am thankful for the many prayers He has answered already, and I look forward to much more of the same as He continues to work in us and through us. I pray that He will continue to mold me into the person He desires me to be so that I can be a more effective tool for His use, and I pray that as He shapes me, He will also provide me with patience and a better understanding of His love and purpose so that I will be more open to His workings in me. I pray that He will provide knowledge and wisdom for sharing the gospel of Christ with the world, and, more specifically, with people such as Will, Carrie, Paul, John Marc, Jamie, Catherine, and many, many others. I pray that He will remain the wonderful, awe-inspiring God that only He can be!

reflections

2005-07-21T03:53:00.000-05:00

Well, I just finished up writing my final essay for the totalitarianism class that I've been taking for the past three weeks here in Prague. So that means that I'm done. Done! That's always a nice feeling, to be completely done with a class and not to have to worry about it anymore. I have enjoyed the class. It's been good learning about life under totalitarian domination from someone who actually lived through it and actively participated in working against it. Defintely cool. But the class is over now, and that means that it's time for me to go home. And that is a strange thought... It's been nearly ten weeks since I left the United States. Ten weeks that have flown by so quickly. Seems like just a few days ago that I was sitting in the plane on the XNA runway getting ready to take off. A lot has happened in those ten weeks, a lot of good stuff. I've learned a lot about who God is and how He works in this world, how He works in and through me. I've definitely been challenged to live my faith and find ways to tell others about it, especially here in these past few weeks in the study abroad program. It's awesome to think about all that God has done around me. This summer here in Prague has been an experience I am so blessed to have been a part of! I hope that God has blessed you in some equally amazing ways this summer. Isn't it wonderful to be a part of His kingdom?!

a prayer for Olomouc

2005-07-16T03:06:00.000-05:00

a journal entry from last night...

Olomouc. I sit here now on a bench in one of the two main squares. There's a fountain behind me, providing the soothing sound of flowing water to relax me. A gentle breeze drifts through the night, cooling the air. A half moon shines brightly above the multicolored buildings of a beautiful European town. Most prominent in the square is the immense column that towers above everything else, lit dimly so that one can see the irony of the beautifully decorated pillar that is a monument to death through a plague. It seems so odd to have such a beautiful reminder of death, especially in a city that now seems to be so full of life and vitality. As a Christian, though, I see how perhaps it is a fitting reminder. The people sitting at the outdoor cafe just to my left are obviously enjoying the night, enjoying life. But they, too, in all their liveliness, are a reminder. In appearance, they are full of beauty, joy, and contentment. As the ornately carved column to the right proclaims, however, it is possible to have the appearance of beauty and yet really be nothing but a representation of death. These things, these people, if viewed closely, are revealed to be shadows of evil. The column a shadow of the pain and suffering of the past, the people a shadow too. They are hollow, empty. They are only shadows of the men and women they were created to be. And as the clock strikes the hour, here among all these empty, shadowy people, I am reminded that they are running out of time. God is patient with them, not wanting any to perish, but a day will come when it is too late for the people of Olomouc, the Czech Republic, the world. Will they be ready when that day comes? Will they have given up their status as shadows and have taken on real, full, abundant life? Will they have allowed God to complete them, as only He is capable of? I pray that it may be so! For the people of Olomouc, like all the people of the world, are living hopeless lives if they are living without Christ. I pray that God will reach them, will change them. I know He has wonderful dreams, wonderful plans for them. And I know that the people of Olomouc, though they do not yet know it, are soon to encounter God's touch in a way they have never imagined. May the Lord bless the people of Olomouc and His children who are to enter their lives very soon. May He use Mitch Anderson, Joshua and Sarah Beall, Corey and Sarah Keen, Graham Kervin, Christie Shockley, and any others He may appoint to the task to show the people of Olomouc what His Love is and how it can change their lives. May He bless those workers with faith, hope, and love to carry out their task in full reliance on Him and with full confidence that He will accomplish His will here in Olomouc, whether or not they personally see the results. May He bless their families here and in the U.S. as they try to understand, accept, and participate in this calling. May He bless the Czechs who are to hear the Good News of Christ. May He bless those who accept that message and dedicate their lives to His service. May He bless the church that will grow here with faith, sweet fellowship, and a dedication to the Lord that will in turn lead more to Christ. May He bless His children throughout the world as we seek to know, to love, and to serve Him better, glorifying His Name at every moment, for He is our Lord, our God, and our Salvation! Amen

trilingualism, perhaps not at its best

2005-07-13T05:44:00.000-05:00

I just had the coolest trilingual experience ever! The fact that it was trilingual is in itself enough to make it cool, but it was much better than that!
So, I was walking up the stairs at the study center, when I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the security guard who's always just sitting there doing his job, was reading something that looked an awful lot like the Bible, though I did only get a quick glance. So, when I decided to go back downstairs a minute later to heat up my lunch, I looked again. Sure enough! I was SO excited at the possibilty of his being a Christain! (It's amazing how important that fact becomes when you're surrounded with non-Christians instead of being situated right in the buckle of the Bible belt. It should be important all the time, but that's a whole 'nother post...) So, I built up the courage to attempt to talk to him, knowing that he probably didn't speak English, and on my way back up, I stopped and asked in faltering Czech, "You are a Christian?" He didn't understand at first, but then I said it again in Czech and in English, and he got the idea and told me the very exciting news: yes! About all I could say to that was, "Great! Me too!" That's about as far as my Czech can take me. But as the conversation started to break up, he communicated that he speaks some German, so that got us started again, at least trying to communicate. Through a process which included a Czech-English dictionary, a markerboard, some maps, a little yellow information card that the church has printed up and that I always keep a couple copies of for occasions such as this, and lots of smiling and laughing at our inability to communicate, I gathered that, yes, he is a Christian and that he's definitely interested in coming to worship services with the church here in Prague. He has to work tonight, so he won't be able to come then, but maybe Sunday! Sunday would be great! What an awesome thing that would be for my last Sunday here in Prague! (If you can't tell, I'm just a little excited.) I realized at the end of our "conversation" that I'd never introduced myself or gotten his name, so I made sure to do that. Pavel. Please, please, please, be praying for Pavel! All I know about him so far is that his name is Pavel, he is from Moravia, he works as a security guard, and he is a Christian. Not much knowledge to impart to those of you who'll be praying. But God knows him, and that's all that matters. Pray that I will be given more opportunities to talk with him, though it may be difficult communication. (I so wish I knew Czech! I will learn it!) Pray that he'll be able to come meet with the church and be encouraged by that and will become a part of the fellowship of God's people here in Prague. And pray that Satan will be stopped as he will be trying his hardest to hold Pavel back. Okay, gotta go to class! As Chelsea would say, yay God!

renovation and renewal

2005-07-11T06:33:00.000-05:00

"In order for you to do something you've never done, you have
to be someone you've never been." - Les Brown

Interesting thought, isn't it? Makes me think... In order to do the things I desire to do but never can seem to accomplish, there has to be a revolution in who I am, not just in how I act. I can't be the same old person and at the same time act in a completely new way. It's a concept that's touched on multiple times in Scriptures, though perhaps in different contexts.

"Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit." -- Matthew 7:17-18
"Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." -- James 3:11-12
"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -- Romans 12:2
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" -- 2 Corinthians 5:17

In order for me to accomplish anything new and better, I must first be changed. As Jesus instructed the Pharisees in Matthew 23:26, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." The inside, the heart of a person must be cleansed before the outside actions will be pure. I must allow God to take the person I am and mold me into the person He desires that I be. That transformation is one in which I become a new creation, able to accomplish all things through Christ!

helpful hints from God

2005-07-08T06:41:00.000-05:00

It's really cool how God has used a small thing as a reminder to me that all of us humans are His creations, loved and sought out by Him...
Here at my study abroad program, I can sometimes have a difficult time loving the people I'm surrounded by. They just don't seem to want to make themselves loveable!!! God, though, is very innovative in His ways of reminding me and helping me to love them. I can look at Brittany and be reminded of Ashley Johnson, I can see such a small thing like Victoria's curly hair and think of Bernadette, or I will notice how much Jake looks like Jared Lace and Adrian looks like John Schellhase. It's crazy! God has put me around people who remind me of friends back home in their looks, in their actions, and in their mannerisms. And that makes it easier to love them. I am reminded of how God loves all people by being reminded of how much I love my Christian (and non-Christian) friends at home. And seeing a tiny glimpse of the people I do love in the people that I'm trying to love, well, that's just one new way that God's helping me to be able to love.

ask and you will receive...

2005-07-07T10:55:00.000-05:00

Tak...
It's really cool to see God answering prayers! Been praying for opportunities recently, as well as for the ability to see them and the courage to take advantage of them. So, this afternoon, as our class was walking to the metro, headed to the national museum with our professor, she and I got to talking somehow about our up-coming trip to Karlovy Vary and Plzen this weekend as a group. I told her I'd just recently been in Plzen, and when she asked what all I'd gotten to do there, I had a chance to tell her that we'd been there on our mini-survey trip, looking around to get info about the city because the group of us were thinking about moving there some day to do mission work. So then she began telling me about the Anglican church there that the Anglican church here in Prague apparently is pretty closely associated with. So I asked her more, and she told me all about how she was raised Catholic and about how she got involved with the Anglican church here. Then she asked me about the church that I work with here in Prague, Kristova Obec, which I'd mentioned in the short conversation we'd had. She was really interested in it and in what kinds of things we believe in. Definitely an opportunity, sent directly from God! As we got on the metro, we continued talking about belief in God and how it's soooo lacking from modern Czech society, about the kind of work that I would like to do someday if it is God's will for me to move over here, and about all sorts of cool stuff! I remembered that I had one of the church's little yellow information cards in my backpack, so I gave that to her, and she said she'd be interested in coming sometime. Awesome! Do me a favor and be praying for her - Alena Hromadkova - and for me too, as I try to find more ways of talking to her and reaching out to her. God's so cool!

opportunities galore

2005-07-05T14:52:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm still here in Prague. Still loving the city. Still loving getting to spend time with the church. Still loving the culture. Things are a bit different though. For the past seven weeks, I've been working with the church, teaching English Bible classes, forming relationships with my students in order to show Christ to them, fellowshipping with the church and trying to encourage them, while probably receiving much more encouragement than I was giving. It was great! Now, though, I'm participating in a study abroad program with 20 or so other American students. And it's been a challenging experience so far. They're definitely typical American college students -- focused on themselves, what they can get out of life for themselves, wasting their time in meaningless gossip and backstabbing conversation, and spending countless hours at the numerous pubs and discos here in town, downing drink after drink after drink after drink after, well, you get the idea. Needless to say, I'm a little different. As far as I've been able to tell so far, I'm the only Christian in the group, which is a new experience for me. I'm used to being mainly with Christian friends, and even when I'm not with a Christian group, like when I'm hanging out with the drumline, there are at least some Christians among the group.

I know that in the past couple of days, I've learned a lot about what it means to be salt and light in the world. I'm trying to make a difference by being different. But at the same time it's been a challenge for me to find new, innovative ways of sharing my faith with these people who really don't care to hear about it. I've been doing quite a bit of praying and reading from encouraging books like Philippians. And one thing I've been praying for is the ability to love these people. It can be difficult when they don't exactly make themselves lovable. But as Christians, we're called to love because Christ loved us. No other reason. Not because we like someone or because we have something in common with them or because they are willing to be loved. We love because Christ loves. That simple. And 1 Corinthians 13 has got quite a bit in it that's difficult to do: have patience, not be proud or arrogant but be humble instead, etc. Even more difficult than those, I find that it's the always trusting, always hoping, always persevering part that's really tough to do. Always trusting in God that He's got a plan for these people who are His creation just as much as I am. Always trusting that He knew what He was doing when He put me here in their midst. Always hoping that one of them may see the light and love and truth of God in me in some way and may be convicted to change and to draw closer to God. Always persevering, through the difficulties, through the frustrations, through the doubt and fear. Never giving up. Never letting Satan get ahold of me and tell me that I just can't do it, that it's not making any difference, that I should just give in and join them. But though those things are difficult and I am way too weak to do them on my own, I've found that God is strengthening me. He's giving me the courage and the love I need. He, once again as always, is proving Himself faithful to me and to His promises!

I've been praying a lot for opportunities. For the ability to recognize those opportunities when they're presented. And for the courage to take ahold of them when I recognize them. And in that area, too, God is faithful. Perhaps these are new opportunities, perhaps they're ones that have always been there that I just haven't recognized because my eyes haven't been correctly focused. But whatever the case may be, they're there.

One very exciting thing happened last night. I was wandering around town with three of the girls, Kat, Jane, and Allison. They'd bought a bottle of wine and we'd sat down at the bottom of Wenceslas Square so they could drink it in celebration of the 4th of July. After they finished it up, we were headed to join up with a larger group at U Sudu, a pub not too far from Tesco. But instead, the girls decided, just for something different, to go to Tesco and buy some wine there. They ended up getting the cheapest stuff possible, which they said was really nasty and did I want to try some? I stuck to my fruit tea. Anyway, as we just sat on some benches and they drank the two-liter bottle of cheap white wine, Jane asked Kat how much she'd have to pay her to get her to go hug a homeless man who was standing with his bottle of alcohol not too far away from us. About a million dollars was the answer. But Allison mentioned that she is actually planning on opening a homeless shelter when she graduates. So, I started talking to her, asking her plans and how she got involved in working with the homeless people. And that led to an opportunity to tell her about my spring break work with the RFCs in inner-city Chicago and Atlanta. I told her how I loved getting to do work that makes a difference in people's lives, that gives them hope, shows them the love of God. As our conversation continued, I was able to talk about the work I've been blessed to participate in here in Prague and how it is so fulfilling to share the love and peace and joy that I have found through Christ. Then she told me about how, as her parents raised her, they gave her the freedom to explore religion and to make her own decisions about God. We talked for a while (as we walked to U Sudu after all...) about her spiritual beliefs and about the nature of truth and of God. Allison told me that she's trying to figure out what she believes about God, trying to find her own spirituality. We shortly arrived at the pub, so the conversation was cut off, but for what it was, it was good. Definitely an opportunity from God to see into Allison's life, into her soul, and to see that, underneath all of her outer layer of flirtation and continuous drinking, there is really a person there who is lost and is in need of God's guidance and salvation. Please pray with me and for me as I am given more opportunities to reach out to Allison with the love of God!

pursuing purpose

2005-06-22T16:01:00.000-05:00

Where is God when it seems like everything around you is falling part, when it seems like you're running in place and sure aren't getting anywhere? When you can't understand who you are or why you are or what you are meant to be and to do? Where is God when you feel abandoned, disillusioned, disoriented? Where is he?! He says to seek him and then you will find. I'm seeking. And it doesn't seem, oftentimes, like I'm finding. It seems like I'm seeking and I go one way only to discover a dead end or a detour. And so I continue seeking, only to find that I'm lost and can't figure out where I am or even if I know where it is I'm wanting to go. So I continue seeking. And seeking. And not yet finding. Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps I am finding. At least through the process of elimination, I'm making some progress. It's just frustrating! Frustrating, tiring, disappointing, and frightening. It's frustrating because I feel like I do know where I want to go, I just can't seem to get there. I just can't seem to find the road that is open and can be traveled. I can't seem to find my way. There's a song that says "God will make a way where there seems to be no way." That's what I'm counting on. Cause I'm sure not finding it myself. And as Enya keeps singing in my ear just now, "Pilgrim, it's a long way to find out who you are." All I know is that I'm God's. I'm his, and he can do whatever he wants to with me. And I'm trying to trust him to lead me, to carry me. Cause if things keep going the way they seem to be going now, I don't know that I can make it too much farther...
Psalm 25:16-22 Jeremiah 29:11-14 Proverbs 3:5-6 Psalm 91:1-2, 14-16